姐姐的完美生活

有一種生活里有家庭，有瑣事，有日復一日的平淡。它循規(guī)蹈矩，卻讓人安心。有一種生活里有冒險，有奇遇，有掙脫世俗的灑脫。它色彩斑斕，卻難掩漂泊的孤單。前者是姐姐的生活，后者是妹妹的生活，享受其一似乎就意味著放棄另一種可能，二者兼得的“完美生活”存在嗎？

“We bought a new house，” my older sister said a few months ago， in one of our rare phone conversations.

“I’m so happy for you，” I said， though I’m sure the octaves1） and intonation were off. “You deserve it.” And she does. My sister has worked tirelessly ever since I can remember. Unlike me， she’s always been responsible， never leaving a job before accepting another， and certainly never leaving a job and then， instead of finding new employment， flying to Southeast Asia and staying for three months.

I apprehensively2） booked a ticket to Los Angeles， paying a little extra so that I could change the reservation， with minimal penalty， if the apprehension became unbearable. When I arrived at my sister’s new home， she was still at work. I was greeted at the door by my 7-year-old niece， Sophie， still recovering from a cold， and the nanny who， I later found out， makes more money than I do.

“Aunt Tobin， come see my room！” said Sophie， grabbing my hand and pulling me up the stairs to her room， which was bright， clean， organized.

“It’s amazing，” I said with a tinge3） of sadness she’s too young to have noticed.

Sophie continued the tour around the home—not ostentatious4） or a mansion， by any stretch， but big and two stories and beautiful. She took me into my sister’s room， a gigantic spread with a king-size bed and large flat-screen TV hanging above a fireplace. Her bathroom has two sinks， the biggest bathtub I’ve ever seen， marble counter tops， and makeup drawers that slowly， quietly close on their own， like the trunk lids on fancy cars.

Even my sister’s lawn rang of a superior life： The grass out back was magic grass. It’s verdant. It’s crisp but never cold， and soft beneath your feet. Meanwhile， my desiccated5） yard in Marfa6） is filled with burrs7） and gopher8） holes. There are several life-size papier-maché9） horses created by an artist.

“When does Lily get home？” I asked the nanny.

“Not until 7. Lily has school， ballet class and then a play date.” My 4-year-old niece has a fuller calendar than I do， I thought， and then I went in the kitchen to get more Pirate Booty.

My sister and I are very different people. She’s two years older than I am， 6 inches shorter， has much softer features I’ve long envied， and， though the oldest of my parents’ three children， has always exhibited the autonomy of an only child. When we were kids， she was generally undemonstrative. If she was upset about something she kept it to herself. I was， and remain， wildly oversensitive and an over-sharer， both traits I’m sure she finds exasperating10）.

As adults， the communication between my sister and me has been synonymous with miscommunication. When I’m upset and call her for consolation， she either offers unsolicited11） advice that I translate as judgment； suggests that I read Deepak Chopra12）， which I find patronizing； or， says， “If it was meant to be， it was meant to be，” at which point I hang up. But my sister is an incredible mother， who inspires confidence in her girls， tells them she loves them and hugs on them throughout each day， and encourages the type of close sibling relationship that Rachel and I will likely never have.

Meanwhile， I try to be a good aunt in a way that I wasn’t always a great sister.

Saturday was， in my sister’s parlance13）， a “big day.” Lily had two birthday parties to go to and Sophie’s coed14） basketball game started at noon.

“Ref， that was a bad call and you know it！” screamed her coach， possibly the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen.

“He’s a Calvin Klein15） model，” explained my sister. Of course he is， I thought. “His kid’s on the team.”

I loved the spectacle of the game， not only because of the coach， but also because I could sit on the front row wildly cheering for my niece. Most of the parents sat on the bleachers responding to what I presume were work-related emails on their iPhones. I’d relinquished16） mine to my youngest niece halfway through the first quarter. She was getting antsy17） so my sister downloaded $10 of applications and handed it over to her 4-year-old. （My app icons now include a pig， an apple， a pretty princess and a smiling flower with petals in primary colors）. This was mostly fine because all of the kids on the court were unbearably cute， Lilliputian18） dribblers19） in Lakers jerseys20）.

“Which one is yours？” said the man beside me. My mood plummeted.

“I’m number 24’s aunt，” I said. Sophie is a Kobe Bryant21） devotee. “But I’m sure I’ll have children， or a child. I’m just doing things later than everyone else，” I continued， trying to justify my existence22） to a stranger. At least he didn’t ask me what I do for a living.

After the game， I opted out of the birthday parties and went home. We ordered takeout Chinese， and afterward， I went to my room and packed for my return flight the next morning. My carry-on felt heavier， weighed down23） by the self-doubt I’d have to sort through when I got home. It’s a tedious process， one that involves revisiting the wild trysts24） and great adventures I would likely not have experienced and the people I’d likely not have met if I’d opted for a more conventional life.

Before I went to bed， I checked my email. I’d been emailing back and forth with a friend who is an uncle. We’ve known each other for 20 years. He lives alone in his modest house with a dog named Brown Dog， stays up late working on a screenplay and reading， and spends his weekends either fixing or riding his motorcycle. He’s more comfortable with being The Uncle than I am being an aunt. I’d been sending him details of my trip throughout my stay.

“Are you jealous of her？” he finally asked. “Do you want all that stuff？” I hated that he asked the question as much as the fact that I really had to think about the answer.

“About some things， yeah，” I finally wrote.

I’m jealous that she’s never been or had to worry about becoming The Aunt. I’m jealous of her family， the dinners and the early morning chaos， and I covet her bathroom， high-tech coffee maker， her endless supply of Pirate’s Booty. But I also understand that my role has given me close friends and adventures—in foreign countries， at local bars—I would not trade， even for luscious25）， rich magic grass.

Still， the jealousy I often feel when I’m around my sister nags at me. It also forces me to think about the things I really want， which is not a new history but a controlled future， one in which I have a substantive income； go to Africa； find and get married to a wonderful and wonderfully strange man； have weird and beautiful children （or at least a child）； and publish a book that people actually buy. But these are great ambitions， at least some of which， realistically， I may not achieve. A more modest， perhaps more attainable goal should be happiness in Austin26）， where I’ll likely stay and buy a house that’s a little more practical than my last one but still has papier-maché horses in the yard.

“我們買了幢新房子。”姐姐幾個月前打電話說。這是我們?yōu)閿?shù)不多的通話之一。

“真為你高興，”我說，雖然我敢肯定，我的聲音沒有高八度，語調(diào)也很平淡，“這是你應得的。”的確是這樣，在我記憶里，姐姐一直在不知疲倦地工作。和我不同，她一直很有責任心，從不在沒有接受下一份工作的情況下辭職，當然也不可能辭職后不找新工作，而是飛到東南亞小住三個月。

我忐忑不安地預訂了一張飛往洛杉磯的機票，支付了一點額外的費用，這樣一旦我無法忍受姐姐家?guī)Ыo我的不安，我就能以最少的違約金更改預訂。我到姐姐的新家時，她還在上班。七歲的外甥女蘇菲和保姆在門口迎接了我。蘇菲感冒還沒完全康復，而那個保姆，后來我發(fā)現(xiàn)，賺的錢比我還多。

“托賓姨媽，快來看我的房間！”蘇菲說。她抓著我的手，拉我上樓來到她的房間。房內(nèi)明亮整潔、井井有條。

“太棒了。”我說。我的話里夾雜了些許悲傷，她還太小，察覺不到。

蘇菲繼續(xù)帶著我到處參觀。這所房子無論從哪兒看都算不上鋪張，也不是豪宅，但很大，有兩層，而且很漂亮。蘇菲帶我來到姐姐的房間，寬敞的臥室里擺著一張?zhí)卮筇柕拇玻跔t上方掛著一臺大屏幕平板電視。姐姐的浴室里有兩個水槽，浴缸是我所見過最大的，洗漱臺的臺面是大理石的，梳妝臺的抽屜會緩慢、安靜地自動關上，就像豪華汽車的行李箱蓋一樣。

連姐姐家的草坪都顯示出一種更優(yōu)越的生活：房子后面的草坪青翠繁茂，清爽又不失暖意，踩上去軟軟的，簡直棒極了。而我在馬爾法的院子則一派枯竭，里面滿是有芒刺的野草和囊地鼠洞。我的院子里還有幾匹與實物一樣大小的假馬，是一位藝術家用混凝紙漿做成的。

“莉莉什么時候回家？”我問保姆。

“要到7點。她要上學校的課、芭蕾課，然后還有一個玩耍約會。”我四歲外甥女的日程安排比我還滿，我心想。然后我走進廚房，打算再來點“海盜小吃”。

姐姐和我完全不同。她比我大兩歲，矮六英寸，擁有長久以來令我羨慕的許多更柔和的特質(zhì)。雖然她是父母的三個孩子中最年長的，但卻總是表現(xiàn)得像獨生子女那樣獨立自主。我們還是小孩子時，她總體而言就是個含蓄而克制的人。如果她為某事而苦惱，她只會獨自承受。而我從小到大一直是個極其敏感的人，而且有過分強烈的分享欲望，我敢肯定這兩個特點都讓她大為光火。

成年之后，姐姐和我之間的交流基本上就是驢唇對不上馬嘴。當我覺得心煩意亂給她打電話尋求安慰時，她要么不請自“給”地提供建議——在我看來就是評頭論足；要么建議我去讀迪帕克·喬布拉的書，讓我覺得她高我一等；要么干脆說：“如果命中注定，也只能如此。”聽到這兒，我就會把電話掛了。但姐姐是一位了不起的媽媽，她激發(fā)女兒們的自信，訴說對她們的愛，每天給她們擁抱，鼓勵她們建立親密的姐妹關系，而這樣的關系我和姐姐蕾切爾可能永遠都不會有。

不過，我盡力當一位出色的小姨，雖然我過去不是一個好妹妹。

星期六，用我姐姐的說法，是一個“大日子”。莉莉要參加兩個生日派對，蘇菲的男女生籃球賽從中午開始。

“裁判，那是黑哨！你知道的！”蘇菲的教練尖叫道。他大概是我見過的最英俊的人。

“他是CK的服裝模特。”姐姐解釋說。理所當然啊，我想。“他的孩子也在球隊打球。”

我喜歡看這場精彩的比賽，不僅是因為那個教練，也因為我能夠坐在第一排瘋狂地為外甥女加油歡呼。大部分家長坐在露天看臺上，擺弄著蘋果手機，我推測是在回復和工作相關的郵件。在第一節(jié)比賽中間，我把自己的蘋果手機給了最小的外甥女。四歲的她一直坐立不安，于是姐姐下載了十美元的手機應用程序給她玩。（現(xiàn)在我手機的應用圖標里出現(xiàn)了一只豬、一個蘋果、一位漂亮的公主和一朵微笑的有著紅黃藍三色花瓣的花。）這些對我來說基本上都沒什么問題，因為場上所有的孩子都可愛得要命，像是穿著湖人隊球衣的小人國球員。

“你家孩子是哪一個？”坐在我旁邊的男人問我。我的心情頓時一落千丈。

“我是24號的小姨。”我回答他。蘇菲是科比·布萊恩特的粉絲。“但是我肯定會有幾個孩子，或者一個孩子，我只是做事情比其他人晚一些。”我繼續(xù)說道，試圖向一個陌生人辯解我的生活方式?jīng)]有問題。至少他沒有問我的工作是什么。

比賽后，我決定不去那些生日派對了，而是回家。我們叫了中餐外賣，之后我進房間收拾行李，準備第二天早上乘航班返回。我隨身攜帶的行李顯得更重了，重壓在行李上的是我對自己的懷疑，回家之后我必須細細梳理。這個梳理過程冗長而乏味，包括重新思量那些瘋狂的約會、大冒險，還有許多人。如果當初我選擇的是更傳統(tǒng)的生活方式，我可能就不會有那些經(jīng)歷，也可能不會遇見那些人了。

在睡覺之前，我查看了電子郵箱。我一直和一個朋友互通郵件，他是當叔叔的人。我們認識有20年了。他獨自生活在一所簡樸的房子里，養(yǎng)了一條叫布朗的狗，總是熬夜寫劇本、讀書，周末的時候就修理或者騎摩托車。他當叔叔比我當小姨舒服多了。我一直在郵件里給他講述此行去姐姐家的細節(jié)。

“你嫉妒她嗎？”最終他問我，“你想要她擁有的那種生活嗎？”我討厭他問我這個問題，同樣討厭的是我的確得思考一下問題的答案。

“有些方面，是的。”我最后寫道。

我嫉妒她從來沒當過“姨媽”，也不必為當“姨媽”感到焦慮。我嫉妒她的家庭、晚餐和清晨的混亂。我垂涎她的浴室、高科技咖啡機、吃不完的“海盜小吃”。但是我也明白，我的人生角色給我?guī)砹擞H密的朋友和奇遇——在異國他鄉(xiāng)，在本地酒吧。這些哪怕是給我賞心悅目的茂盛草坪我也不會交換的。

然而，和姐姐在一起時，我還是常常感到嫉妒，這嫉妒困擾著我。它也迫使我去思考自己真正想要的東西。那不是對過去的重復，而是一個可以掌控的未來。在這個未來里，我有一份可觀的收入；去非洲旅行；與一個奇特的好男人結婚；生幾個古里古怪的漂亮孩子（或者至少一個）；出版一本真正有人買的書。但是這些都是雄心壯志，實際點說，至少其中一些是我可能無法實現(xiàn)的。一個比較適中也許更容易實現(xiàn)的目標應該是在奧斯汀幸福地生活。我可能會留下來，買幢房子，比我之前的房子要實用些，但院子里仍然會有紙漿做的假馬。

1.octave [??kt?v] n. 八度音

2.apprehensively [??pr??hens?vli] adv. 憂慮地，不安地

3.tinge [t?nd?] n. 些許味道（或氣息）；一絲痕跡（或性質(zhì)）

4.ostentatious [??sten?te???s] adj. 招搖的；賣弄的

5.desiccated [?des??ke?t?d] adj. 干的；枯竭的

6.Marfa：馬爾法，美國得克薩斯州南部小鎮(zhèn)

7.burr [b??（r）] n. [植]有芒刺的草

8.gopher [?ɡ??f?（r）] n. [動]囊地鼠，見于北美大草原

9.papier-maché [?p?pie??m??e?] n. 混凝紙漿

10.exasperating [?ɡ?zɑ?sp??re?t??] adj. 使人惱怒的

11.unsolicited [??ns??l?s?t?d] adj. 未經(jīng)請求的；主動提供的

12.Deepak Chopra：迪帕克·喬布拉（1946～），心靈導師和暢銷書作者，同時是美國醫(yī)師協(xié)會成員。他于1984年引介印度草醫(yī)學到美國，開啟了身心醫(yī)學和全方位愈療的風潮。

13.parlance [?pɑ?（r）l?ns] n. 說法；用語

14.coed [?k??ed] adj. 〈口〉男女同學的

15.Calvin Klein：美國時裝品牌，簡稱CK，于1968年成立，創(chuàng)始者為同名設計師卡爾文·克萊恩（Calvin Klein， 1942～）。

16.relinquish [r??l??kw??] vt. 交出，讓與

17.antsy [??ntsi] adj. 〈俚〉坐立不安的，煩躁的

18.Lilliputian [?l?l??pju??（?）n] adj. 小人國的

19.dribbler [?dr?b（?）l?（r）] n. 運球者

20.jersey [?d???（r）zi] n. 運動衫

21.Kobe Bryant：科比·布萊恩特（1978～），美國職業(yè)籃球運動員，自1996年起效力于NBA洛杉磯湖人隊，司職得分后衛(wèi)，球衣號碼為24。

22.existence [?ɡ?z?st（?）ns] n. 生活方式；（尤指在逆境中的）生活

23.weigh down：壓彎，壓倒；使心情沉重

24.tryst [tr?st] n. 約會，幽會

25.luscious [?l???s] adj. 令人感官愉快的

26.Austin：奧斯汀，美國得克薩斯州首府