誰為信任買單

文/Chris+Colin+譯/阿諾

One cold day last November， Amy and I came home from work to a sickish young daughter and started to toy with1） just staying in for the night. Problem was， we had these tickets to see Miranda July， the performance artist， being interviewed by someone over at the Herbst Theater. Two tickets， $50 sunk into the situation. We hemmed and hawed2）， and finally I put a last-minute ad on Craigslist3）. It was 7， and the event started at 8. No way. But five minutes later I had an e-mail from a guy named Joe. I picked up the phone.

Joe was friendly and game4）， and there was a happy urgency to the call： “Will this work？” “It will！ Give my name at will call5）！” The universe was an awfully likable place.

“Wait， should we figure out a PayPal6） payment？” Joe asked.

“No time！” I said. “Just get to the theater. You can pop7） a check in the mail tomorrow.”

Joe seemed touched by this microscopic dollop of faith in the species. We said a fond goodbye； Amy and I informed our daughter she wouldnt be going to her cousins that night； and the three of us sank into a happily quiet evening. Before bed I e-mailed Joe my mailing address and asked that he report back one interesting observation from the event. Sort of cutesy8）， I guess， or overcooked anyway， but whatever. Elsewhere on the planet India and Pakistan were squabbling， the fluoride9） people and anti-fluoride people were squabbling. But on a chilly fall evening two strangers could still connect briefly before a Miranda July thing.

Naturally， you saw where this was going several sentences ago.

Where this is going is Tahiti10）， where a month later Joe was presumably eating lobster-stuffed filet mignon11） atop golden sheets， all financed， laughingly， with the $50 he hadnt sent me.

I didnt care about the money. I cared about the abuse of this rare bit of fellowship. Hadnt we carved out a morsel12） of old-fashioned San Francisco grooviness13）， at a time when the city seems to be pivoting into something less wild14）？ I wanted to believe we could still get down to naked trust for a night， take our hands off the PayPal handlebars.

A few more weeks passed. Another month. Thered been one e-mail promising to mail the check， then silence.

Maybe this is catching him at a hard time， I thought. But truth was， Joe seemed to be having a pretty normal time. With his ample tweeting and active Facebooking—well over 1，000 friends！—he allowed for robust15） stalking. There he was on a sailboat. On a golf course. With some bros. Dancing goofily. Doing his handsome face. Doing some artsy stuff. He looked like someone youd gone to camp with. Apparently he works for some progressive-sounding start-up， the kind whose Web site speaks of community and so forth.

I gathered its version of community left no time for replying to e-mails. Or texts. Or voice mail messages. Pathetically16） I tried reaching him with Amys phone one night， thinking the foreignness of the number might lure him out of his hidey hole. Sure enough， he texted right back， playfully wondering who might be writing him. Devious， I didnt say， but he must have guessed， because he didnt pick up when I called.

I really am regular， much of the time. Wife， daughter， friends， cats， magazine subscriptions， rock band， a hanging plant in the kitchen window. Certainly I didnt think about Joe all that often. But when the topic did swing back into view， something about it put me on edge.

One night in bed I talked with my wife， “I just want to understand what hes thinking.”

“Who？”

“The guy. The Miranda July guy.”

“I dont know. Good night honey.”

“But what do you think hes thinking？”

“Um， hes thinking ‘Why should I pay this guy？ I got away with it.”

“No way. People dont really think that. Like17）， 1 percent of people think that. He must have a reason that makes sense in his head.”

“You should go to his office，” Amy said. “Hed have to give you the money if everyone was watching.”

“Yeah！”

No. The thing was， I didnt want to become a debt collector， didnt want to go full cretin18） to get my silly little money. My efforts to reach Joe over these months had been light and I wanted to keep it that way. “Drop a dime19） on him，” my tough-guy dad always says in situations requiring forced virtue. But my initial exchange with Joe had been above dime-dropping. Just two regular people agreeing to handle things humanly. There was a rare niceness in that， and I still wanted to keep that balloon in the air， however deluded20） it was starting to look.

One morning， before dawn， our cat woke us up with his meowing. I cant describe what a neck-wringingly horrible creature he is in these moments. Its not hunger meowing， Amy and I have learned. He meows out of righteousness； hes due this food and he will get it， whether he needs it or not. As I drearily scooped breakfast for my mindlessly principled pet， perspective at last descended on me： There are flaws in being like ones cat.

Fifty dollars was nothing. What was not nothing was my own raft21） of debts. If I was honest， I owed letters to loved ones. I owed my daughter greater patience when she aborted her nap. I owed my family regular cardiovascular22） exercise. I owed volunteer hours at the S.P.C.A.23） like I promised two New Years resolutions ago. I owed that friendly new pediatric dentist the glowing Yelp review I swore Id write. I did not owe anyone money. I owed worse than money.

People dont change overnight， or ever. But people can find a nice-looking family next time theyre at Safeway24） and pick up their grocery tab in a quick， partly awkward and largely pleasant exchange. So thats what I did. The $50 Joe wouldve given me， I decided to just pass it along to someone else. I did so not out of virtue， which I lack， but out of a mostly selfish wish to get back that sense of a likable universe on a cold day. It seemed better than continuing to aim my pique25） at some poor stranger who， as we round Month 9， might well be scraping that money together. If so， I hope he buys himself something nice.

去年11月一個寒冷的日子，我和艾米下班回家，回到生病的女兒身邊，開始漫不經心地考慮是否當晚就待在家里不出去了。但問題是，我們有前往赫伯斯特劇院觀看行為藝術家米蘭達·朱萊接受現場訪談的入場券。兩張票，50美元，就這樣陷入了兩難境地。我和妻子猶豫不決，遲遲未作決定，直到最后一刻，我才在Craigslist網站上發布了一條廣告。當時是7點，訪談將在8點鐘開始。來不及了。不過，剛過五分鐘，我就收到了一個名叫喬的人發來的電子郵件。我給他打了電話。

喬友好且有冒險精神，接電話時既興奮又急切：“這樣行嗎？”“行！在訂票窗口報我的名字就行！”這真是個無比美好的世界。

“等等，咱們是不是應該用PayPal付款？”喬問我。

“沒時間了！”我說，“先去劇院，你可以明天再把支票寄給我。”

喬似乎被人與人之間這一點微小的信任打動了。我們愉快地互道再見。艾米和我告訴女兒那天晚上她用不著去親戚家了，我們一家三口度過了一個安靜愉快的夜晚。臨睡前，我給喬寫了封電子郵件，告訴他我的聯系地址，并請他在回信時給我講一件有趣的現場見聞。我想，這有點做作，多少有些過火，不過無所謂。在這個星球的其他地方，印度和巴基斯坦沖突不斷，支持和反對在自來水中加氟的人們爭論不休。但是在一個寒冷的秋日夜晚，在米蘭達·朱萊的訪談開始前，兩個陌生人仍然可以短暫地交談。

自然，你肯定早就看出這件事情將如何發展了。

事情的發展就是，一個月后，在塔希提島上，喬可能正在金色的床單上享用填有龍蝦餡的菲力牛排，而好笑的是，用來付賬的正是他欠我不還的那50美元。

我在乎的不是錢。我在乎的是他辜負了這份難得的交情。在這座城市似乎正變得循規蹈矩的時代，我們不就展現出了一分舊金山昔日令人激動的作派嗎？我愿意相信，就一個晚上而言，我們仍然可以完全信任彼此，把PayPal暫且放在一旁。

又過了幾個星期。又一個月過去了。曾經有一封電子郵件信誓旦旦地說會寄支票來，然后就沒有下文了。

我想，也許剛好趕上他這一陣日子不好過。但事實上，喬的生活似乎頗為正常。他發大量推文，在Facebook上很活躍——他的好友有一千多個！——他這么做使得別人可以隨意窺探他的生活。他去乘帆船了。去打高爾夫了。和哥們兒在一起。跳著滑稽的舞步。捯飭他那張帥氣的臉。做些附庸風雅的事。他看上去就像某個曾和你一起露營的人。他顯然在某家聽起來穩步發展的初創企業工作，這類公司的網站上總是談及人際交往和諸如此類的話。

我猜他們所謂的人際交往使他無暇回復電子郵件、短信或語音郵件。可悲的是，有一晚我曾試著用艾米的電話聯系他，心想或許陌生的號碼能把他從藏身之處引出來。果然，他立刻回了短信，用活潑的口吻問是誰給他發的信息。我留了一手，沒說我是誰，但他一定猜到了，因為他沒接我打過去的電話。

多數時候，我的生活一如往常。妻子、女兒、朋友、貓、訂閱的雜志、搖滾樂隊、廚房窗口那株懸垂植物。我當然并不總是想著喬的事。但是一旦想起此事，總有些什么令我煩惱不已。

一天晚上上床后，我對妻子說：“我就是想知道他是怎么想的。”

“誰？”

“就是那個人，那個看米蘭達·朱萊采訪的那個人。”

“我不知道。晚安，親愛的。”

“可你覺得他是怎么想的？”

“嗯，他想的是‘我干嗎給他錢？不給也不能把我怎么著。”

“不可能。不會有人真的那么想。好吧，有1%的人會那么想。他肯定有什么自認為合理的理由。”

“你應該去他上班的地方找他，”艾米說，“眾目睽睽之下，他就不得不把錢給你了。”

“是啊！”

不。關鍵是，我不想變成個討債的，不想為了要回那么點兒小錢而讓自己變成十足的傻瓜。這幾個月來，我并沒有十分急切地試圖聯系喬，我希望保持這種狀態。碰到這種需要被迫行善的情況，我的硬漢老爹總會說：“找警察收拾他。”可是我與喬最初的交流不應該發展到報警的地步。只不過是兩個普通人達成一致去像常人該做的那樣辦一件事而已。這其中有一種可貴的友善，我仍然想保持這份幻想，盡管它開始顯得讓人失望。

一天早晨，天還沒亮，我們養的那只貓就喵喵叫著把我們吵醒了。這種時候，我都無法形容它有多可惡，簡直想讓人把它的脖子擰斷。我和艾米都知道，那不是肚子餓時的叫聲。它叫是因為它自認為理直氣壯。到了吃食時間它就得吃，無論需不需要。就在我悶悶不樂地給這只盲目堅持原則的寵物盛早餐的時候，終于在突然間有所領悟：像寵物貓那樣做事是有問題的。

50美元微不足道。我真正應該在意的是自己欠下的那許多債。我如果誠實守信，就應該給我愛的人們寫信。當女兒該睡不睡時，我應該更有耐心。我應該帶家人定期參加有氧運動。我應該像兩年前許下的新年愿望那樣抽時間去防止虐待動物協會當志愿者。我應該遵守承諾，在Yelp網站上為那個新來的友善的兒科牙醫寫一篇熱情洋溢的好評。我不欠任何人錢。我未能兌現的事情比欠錢更糟糕。

人不會一夜之間就發生轉變，也許永遠也不會改變。但是，人們下次去西夫韋超市時，可以找出樣子和善的一家人，在略顯別扭但總體愉快的短暫交談中，替他們結賬。我就是這樣做的。我決定把喬本該歸還的那50美元傳遞下去。我這樣做不是出于美德——我沒那么高尚——而主要是出于一個自私的愿望，希望在寒日里找回那種覺得世界美好的感覺。這似乎比繼續為一個可憐的陌生人生氣要好，事情已經過去了將近九個月，他很可能仍在東拼西湊地借錢。如果是這樣，希望他給自己買點好東西。

1. toy with：不太認真地考慮

2. hem and haw：（長時間）猶豫不決

3. Craigslist：一個免費的大型分類廣告網站，1995年在美國加利福尼亞州創立。

4. game [ɡe?m] adj. 愿意嘗試（新鮮或不平常事物）的；有冒險精神的

5. will call：（大商店的）預定售貨部

6. Paypal：因特網第三方支付服務商，總部設在美國加利福尼亞州，允許在使用電子郵件來標識身份的用戶之間轉移資金，避免了傳統的郵寄支票或者匯款的方式。

7. pop [p?p] vt. 迅速地拿；快速地放

8. cutesy [?kju?tsi] adj. 矯揉造作的，忸怩作態的

9. fluoride [?fl??ra?d] n. 氟化物

10. Tahiti：塔希提島，位于南太平洋東部，是法屬波利尼西亞群島的經濟、文化和政治中心。

11. filet mignon：〈法〉菲力牛排；煎里脊小牛排

12. morsel [?m??（r）s（?）l] n. 少量

13. grooviness [?ɡru?vin?s] n. 有趣的事物；令人激動的事物

14. wild [wa?ld] adj. 狂熱的；令人激動的

15. robust [r???b?st] adj. 粗魯的；喧鬧的

16. pathetically [p??θet?kli] adv. 悲哀地

17. like [la?k] interj.〈美俚〉唷！嘿！

18. cretin [?kret?n] n. 白癡；傻瓜

19. drop a dime：（尤指向警方）告密，通風報信

20. delude [d??lu?d] vt. 使（希望等）破滅；使失望

21. raft [rɑ?ft] n.〈美〉大量

22. cardiovascular [?kɑ?（r）di???v?skj?l?（r）] adj. [解剖]心血管的

23. S.P.C.A：防止虐待動物協會（American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals），非營利組織，致力于制止虐待動物。

24. Safeway：西夫韋連鎖超市，美國四大零售業巨頭之一

25. pique [pi?k] n. 生氣；慍怒