Dear Dad， You

張玲

也許有時候爸爸太過急躁，也許有時候爸爸太過強硬，也許有時候爸爸太過笨拙，也許有時候爸爸太過……也許，還有許多地方爸爸做得并不夠好。但是，透過下面這封爸爸的自責信，你或許會發現爸爸有一點確信無疑做得夠好，那就是——他愛我們，從不曾改變，從不會改變。

親愛的爸爸：

You're doing it all wrong.

Eleven years ago， the doctors handed you a little， pink bundle of vulnerability1）. You were 26 years old， and you walked out of the hospital entirely responsible for a brand new human being. A whole person. As if that were a totally sane thing to let you do. It scared you. They eventually handed you two more little people. It was supposed to get a little easier each time.

It didn't.

You never got less afraid. You never got more certain about how to be a dad. So you decided to make it up along the way. You can stop feeling bad about that—it's what everybody else is doing， too. The problem is， you improvised2） by listening to the voices in the world around you， instead of listening to the voice coming from the world within you. You can forgive yourself for that， too. The voices around you are loud and persuasive.

They told you achievement matters most. So you stressed about school districts and kindergarten homework and guitar recitals3）. You secretly kept score in your head at first grade soccer games. You thought scoring goals was the goal of life.

But can you remember？

Can you remember what it was like to be just a few years out of diapers4） and to score a goal on the soccer field？ You didn't care about the score and you didn't start planning for your future soccer scholarship. No， you whipped5） your head around to be sure they were looking. The real goal was to be seen. The real goal was to have someone to celebrate with.

Dad， you can stop spending all your time trying to get them into school， and you can start taking the time to walk them to school.

They told you good parents give their kids great experiences. So you turned yourself into an event planner and an amateur chauffeur6）. You signed them up for camps， sampled7） extracurricular activities like a smorgasbord8） and went to every possible program and event. You went to Legoland9） because you thought you had to. And then you wondered why the kids were tired and cranky10） and unhappy.

Outward experience is where we find thrills， but inward experience is where we find a home.

Dad， your kids don't need you to help them live the fullest life； they need you to help them find the deepest life. You don't have to show them the world； you just have to listen to the world going on inside of them.

They gave you technology and told you to give it to your kids. So you threw technology at the kids， because you didn't trust it would be enough to throw a ball with them. Yet， notice how they melt down when a device is taken away from them—they want more because it leaves them hungry for the thing they truly need. They can't connect with a Kindle. An iPod can't help them feel like they are OK and everything will be OK. Only a parent can do that.

Not with a bunch of presents， but with a bunch of presence.

Dear Dad， I just watched a movie that ended with this thought： "We don't seize the moment； the moments seize us." Dad， you're doing it all wrong. Stop trying to seize every moment. Stop trying to make your children's lives extraordinary. Instead， allow every ordinary moment to seize you. Your kids' lives are unfolding one moment at a time， and the thing they want most is also the thing they need most.

They want you to be a witness. To their passing moments.

They want you to pay attention. To their fleeting lives.

Dad， it may be just another hurried Tuesday morning to you， but to them it's another morning to wonder if you notice. Another morning to wonder if they'll have a place to belong. Another morning to wonder if they are beloved. Another morning to wonder about the purpose of this one wild life. Another morning for you to join them in all of their becoming. Another morning in which you are the most important man they know.

I'm guessing that may be a little overwhelming.

Be overwhelmed， Dad.

Let the moments roll over you and be overwhelmed by the sacredness and transience11） of every single one. Pay attention like their lives depend upon it， because they feel like their lives do depend upon it.

Be still. Notice. Join.

In the end， Dad， it may be the only part of being a dad that really matters.

With love，

You

你全都做錯了。

11年前，醫生們將一個小小的粉紅色襁褓交到你手中，里面裹著一個脆弱的生命。那時你26歲，你走出醫院，從此要為一個全新的小生命、一個完完整整的人負起全部責任，好像那是讓你去做一件完全合情合理的事兒。這讓你心生恐懼。他們最終又交給你兩個小人兒，照理應該一次比一次更容易才對。

但實際情況并非如此。

你的害怕從未減少過。對于如何做一個父親，你也從未變得更有把握。所以你決定一路走一路彌補。你可以不用再為此而感到不安——其他人也都是這么做的。問題是，你會在聽到周圍世界的那些聲音后即興做一些事情，而沒有傾聽來自你內心世界的那個聲音。在這一方面你也可以原諒自己，你周圍的各種聲音太響亮也太有說服力了。

人們告訴你成績最重要，所以你為學區、幼兒園作業和吉他演奏會而感到壓力山大。你暗自把一年級足球比賽的得分記在腦子里，因為你認為進球得分就是人生目標。

但是，你現在還記得嗎？

你還記得自己剛不穿紙尿褲短短幾年后是什么樣子嗎？還記得那會兒在足球場上進球是怎樣的情形嗎？你并不關心得分，也沒開始為你未來的足球獎學金做計劃。你沒有做這些，而是著急地四處張望，好確定爸爸媽媽正在看你。真正的目標是，被關注。真正的目標是，有人和你一起慶祝。

爸爸，你不必再把全部時間都用來想辦法讓孩子們去學校，你可以開始花時間陪孩子們一起走路上學。

人們告訴你，稱職的父母會給孩子非凡的經歷。于是，你將自己變成了一位活動策劃人兼業余司機。你為他們報名參加宿營，體驗各種像大雜燴一樣的課外活動，參加每一個合適的項目和活動。你（帶著孩子們）去了樂高樂園，因為你覺得必須去。然后你就疑惑了，為什么孩子們覺得疲憊、暴躁還不開心？

外在的經歷給人激情，但內心的體驗才讓人找到歸宿。

爸爸，你的孩子們不需要你幫他們過上最充實的生活，他們需要你幫助他們找到生命最深刻的意義。你不需要向他們展示這個世界，你只需要聆聽存在于他們內心的那個世界。

人們給你高科技產品，告訴你把它給你的孩子們。于是你就把高科技產品扔給了孩子們，因為你相信和他們玩扔球是不夠的。但是，請注意，當你將一個電子設備從他們身邊拿走時，他們是如何抓狂崩潰的——他們想要更多，因為這些高科技產品讓他們更渴望得到他們真正需要的東西。他們不能和Kindle電子書閱讀器交流。一個iPod音樂播放器不能幫助他們自我感覺良好，也不會讓他們覺得一切都會好起來。只有為人父母的人才能做到這些。

不是靠一大堆禮物，而是靠時常陪伴左右。

親愛的爸爸，我剛看了一部電影，結果給了我一個啟迪：“我們抓不住時光，而時光卻能俘獲我們。”爸爸，你全都做錯了。別再試圖抓住每一個瞬間了，別再試圖讓孩子們的生活非同尋常了。相反，讓每一個普普通通的瞬間俘獲你吧。你的孩子們的生命長卷正在一幅一幅地展開，他們最想要的也正是他們最需要的。

他們希望你能夠見證，見證他們逝去的時光。

他們希望你給予關注，關注他們稍縱即逝的生活。

爸爸，對你來說，這可能只是又一個忙亂的周二早晨。但對他們來說，這是又一個他們想知道你是不是關注他們的早晨，是又一個他們想知道在你心中是否有屬于他們位置的早晨，是又一個他們想知道你是否愛他們的早晨，也是又一個他們想知道這樣瘋狂的生活到底目的何在的早晨。對你而言，在這樣一個早晨，你又一次參與了他們的成長變化；在這樣一個早晨，你是他們認識的最重要的人。

我猜那也許會有些令人應接不暇。

那就應接不暇吧，爸爸。

讓那些生活點滴將你席卷，讓每一個神圣和短暫的瞬間將你淹沒。關注孩子們，就像他們的生活依賴于你的關注那樣，因為他們的確覺得你的關注是他們的生活所依！

靜下心，關注他們，融入他們。

總而言之，爸爸，這或許才是爸爸這個角色唯一真正重要的部分。

愛你的

你

1. vulnerability [?v?ln?r??b?l?ti] n. 易受傷害；脆弱

2. improvise [??mpr?va?z] vt. （無準備、無計劃地）臨時做

3. recital [r??sa?tl] n. （音樂）獨奏會

4. diaper [?da??p?（r）] n. （嬰兒的）尿布

5. whip [w?p] vt. （使……）快速移動

6. chauffeur [????f?（r）] n. （指受雇于他人，常身穿制服的）汽車司機

7. sample [?sɑ?mpl] vt. 體驗

8. smorgasbord [?sm??ɡ?sb??d] n. 大雜燴

9. Legoland： 樂高樂園，是樂高積木主題公園之一。

10. cranky [?kr??ki] adj. 暴躁的