It Helps to Admit Your Failures As a Parent

By Cristina Odone

We assume that child-rearing1child-rearing撫養子女；育兒。classes are only for troubled2troubled不安的；麻煩多的。families but everyone could benefit.

我們都以為育兒課程針對的只是問題家庭，但其實人人都能從中受益。

[2]We all know what we want for our children: to be happy,confident,loving.But getting them there? Who can say whether it is best to adopt a firm disciplinarian approach or a caring-sharing,huggy-kissy one? Should we use naughty corners3naughty corner頑皮角落，最初來自BBC一檔著名家庭類節目《超級保姆》（Super Nanny），通過讓孩子坐頑皮角落的方式，讓他們學會反思。原則是1歲1分鐘，2—3歲的孩子最多不超過3分鐘，這種罰坐的方式主要目的是讓小孩子冷靜下來，明白什么是可為和不可為的界限。,or “time-out4time-out罰站；計時隔離。美國父母制止孩子不當行為的一種常見方式，讓犯錯誤的孩子回自己房間靜一靜，或者對著一堵墻反省。”,or a “ban on screens5指手機、平板電腦和筆記本電腦等視屏媒體（screen-based media）設備。”? Is a parent who demands all A-stars better than a parent who wants to be a BF?

[2]我們都清楚自己對孩子的期望：希望他們快樂、自信、富有愛心。但是如何讓他們成為這樣的人？厲行嚴格的教育方式還是采取關懷分享、親親抱抱的方法，誰能說哪種更好呢？該采用罰坐頑皮角落、罰站或禁止玩手機和電腦的手段嗎？跟與孩子成為知心好友的父母相比，要求孩子取得全A成績的父母更稱職嗎？

[3]I recently met Gary Lewis,the headmaster who transformed Kings Langely school in Hertfordshire from a sink6sink位于貧窮地區的；貧民窟的。comprehensive to an outstanding academy7academy〈美國〉私立學校。,said that parents need mentoring,too.He had been offering his school’s parents “advice evenings”,centered on a moral dilemma: “Katie has spent her pocket money but her best friend’s birthday is coming up.She asks you for ￡10 as a loan,what should you do?” When Lewis finished speaking,the assembled masters and mistresses of the universe fell upon8fall upon進攻；遭受。him with a barrage9barrage接二連三的一大堆（質問或指責等）。of questions,concerns and dilemmas of their own.Mentoring of struggling children was forgotten as high-earning parents begged the head for more tips.

[3]最近我見到了加里·路易斯，他是赫特福德郡金斯蘭利中學的校長，他把這所條件平平的綜合中學轉變成了一所知名學校。他一直為學生家長開設“忠告之夜”課，關注這樣的道德難題：“凱蒂的零用錢已經花完，但好友就要過生日了。她向你借10英鎊，你該怎么做？”等路易斯說完，這些聚集在一起的宇宙主宰者們接連對他發問，講的都是自己的問題、憂慮和困境。這些高收入的家長懇請校長給予更多建議，而如何開導為難的孩子這個問題被拋到了腦后。

[4]I doubt a single one of those parents knew about parenting classes.If they did,they will have assumed that they were for “troubled families”—but the truth is,even those who think they know what they’re doing need the support,skills and connections provided by such classes.

[4]我懷疑這些父母中可能誰也不知曉育兒課程。就算他們知道，也會覺得這是為“問題家庭”而開設的——但事實是，即使父母清楚自己在做什么，也需要這些課程提供的幫助、技能以及由此建立起來的人脈。

[5]Couples expecting a baby will automatically enroll in an antenatal10antenatal產前的。class,whether with the National Childbirth Trust(NCT)or the NHS11= National Health Service（英國）國民醫療服務體系。alternative.But once they have filled the NHS’s little red book,with its record of height,weight and vaccinations,parents seem to think they must cope on their own.Admitting defeat at the hands of a pocket-sized tyrant seems humiliating;turning for help in dealing with a teenager’s traumas12trauma〈心〉（精神）創傷。become associated with sinister stories.Anyone who has had a record of addiction lives in fear of interventions by social services.Given that so many parenting classes are run by local authorities and include parents who have been referred by a GP13,a teacher or the police,the “troubled families” label sticks.

[5]準父母們都會自發地參加產前課程——不管是國家生育信托基金會還是國民醫療服務體系的。可是一旦填完了NHS發放的小紅本（上面將記錄孩子身高、體重以及疫苗接種情況），父母們似乎就認為必須要孤軍奮戰了。承認敗在巴掌大的小惡魔手中好像很丟臉，而為處理一個十幾歲孩子的心靈創傷問題去尋求幫助，似乎又容易讓人產生邪惡故事的聯想。任何人只要有過吸毒史，都很恐懼社會福利機構的干預。考慮到很多育兒課程都由當地政府經營，而且這些父母都是應全科醫生、老師或警察的要求參與課程的，他們也就貼上了“問題家庭”的標簽。

[6]In the aftermath of childbirth,you don’t have to be among the one in ten mothers suffering from postpartum14depression to feel low or lonely.Finding that other parents are cut off from the grown-up world,guilty about failing their children,overwhelmed by responsibilities,is comforting.Admit that you snapped at your six-year-old and fellow parents will remind you about patience and self-restraint.I watched in awe as memories and aspirations were elicited15from parents;open-ended questions resulted in an often poignant16picture of how they had been raised and how differently they sought to raise their own children.■

[6]生了孩子以后，不只是那10%的患產后抑郁癥的媽媽會情緒低落或感到孤獨。其他父母也會與成人世界隔絕、因辜負孩子而愧疚或者被責任壓垮，了解這一點，你會稍感寬慰。承認你曾經很兇狠地呵斥自己六歲的孩子，其他家長會提醒你要有耐心，要懂得克制。看著父母們講述自己的往事和心中的期許，我感到不可思議。開放性問題帶來了常常令人心酸的畫面——他們是如何被撫養長大的，如今又是如何嘗試用不同的方式去養育自己的孩子。□