釋懷：寫于25歲生日夜

江琳琳

Twenty five is not an age for melancholy. Well， I may be a person with a melancholic nature.1

“To grow old is to lose everything.” So says Donald Hall in a poem， “Affirmation.”2 How true it is. Old Donald， who had been enthralled3 by words like “old” and “loss” ever since the death of his wife， eventually lost everything， and passed away last year. But then， that might be a good ending， since he is finally with his long-gone wife. In this sense， to lose is also to gain.

Things are indeed fading away as time elapses4—friends， parents， lovers， children， youth， honor， status， wealth， memories… with no exception. Yet we have no choice but to grow old and to let go. In my 25 years of life， every choice I made is a kind of letting go， voluntarily or involuntarily5. To see what I have is to see what I have let go； to know what I am is to know what I am not.6

But I do not want to “stifle under mud at the ponds edge， and affirm that it is fitting， and delicious to lose everything，”7 although old Donald says so. I welcome the “going” of the things which I used to call me and mine. To use a cliché， I am the perfect statue well hidden inside a colossal stone， and I need to chip off all the no-mes to find me.8

However， even Michelangelos David9 will collapse one day. Depressing10， indeed， but true.

“All of life is an act of letting go， but what hurts the most is not taking a moment to say goodbye.” So says Pi11. The fact is， when loss comes， we are seldom prepared， even for a simple “goodbye.”

This piercing12 pain I experienced twice with Pi. One was at a stormy dawn， the ship struck against the rocks and sank. He urged his eyes out of his thoughts to search for his parents， brother， and animals in this chaotic dawn dark as night， but unfortunately， they were swallowed by the ruthless sea in an instant.13 At some fixed point in tears and seawater， he sensed a heart-rendering14 pain. And I also edged around the circle crying. The other was when Richard Parker， the tiger， the only one through thick and thin15 with Pi， walked toward the forest without looking back after they reached the shore. He had always felt that animals were as affectionate16 as people， but on this occasion， Richard Parker made him awfully disappointed and depressed.

Well， nevertheless， not saying goodbye might be a better form of leaving. I am tired of graduation ceremonies， farewell dinners， even funerals， too many tears， too many regrets， and not much comfort. In this sense， it is better to be resolute than reluctant.17

If loss is the beginning and the end， then whats the point of living？

Joshua Edwards says in “Decline，” “It is not pain that holds me back， but time with its sad prefigurations and smell， its flowers and echoes， rivers and crime.18 Even now， without a future， I tell myself lies in future tense. As my hair thins， I collect combs. When clocks chime， I groan.”19

We are not so decadent20 like that， right？ Thus， we may take the mentality of que será será on this matter.21 If we cant make ourselves see it through now， maybe we can think as the girl in Wislawa Szymborskas poem， “Absence.”22 “A few minor changes， and my mother might have married Mr. Zbigniew B. from Zdunska Wola. And if theyd had a daughter—she wouldnt have been me. ... A few minor changes， and my father might at that same time have married Miss Jadwiga R. from Zakopane. And if theyd had a daughter—she wouldnt have been me.” Think about it， what if our mothers did not marry our fathers？

Its impossible to seize time； what is left is just marks made by the vicissitudes23 of years. We ramble in life， to perceive， to discover， to experience.24

Yet， time is also benevolent25， like mothers womb. What I need to do is to make myself like I did 25 years ago in the mysterious fluid which is both suffocating and endearing.26

1. melancholy： 憂郁，傷感；melancholic： 多愁善感的。

2. Donald Hall： 唐納德·霍爾（1928—2018），美國著名作家、詩人、文學批評家；“Affirmation”：《認定》，唐納德·霍爾的詩歌。

3. enthrall： 迷住，使著迷。

4. elapse： 流逝，逝去。

5. voluntarily or involuntarily： 情愿或不情愿地。

6. 要想知道自己擁有什么，就看自己失去了什么；要知道自己是誰，就得清楚自己不是誰。

7. 但我并不想“在池塘邊的泥地里窒息，認定失去一切是自然而然，妙不可言”（出自唐納德·霍爾的詩歌《認定》）。 stifle： 窒息。

8. 引用一句老話，我是藏在大石頭里的完美雕像，需要去掉多余的邊邊角角，從而找到真正的我。colossal： 巨大的；no-mes： no-me的復數形式。

9. Michelangelos David： 米開朗琪羅的“大衛”雕像。

10. depressing： 壓抑的，使人沮喪的。

11. Pi： 影片《少年派的奇幻漂流》中的主人公。

12. piercing： 刺骨的。

13. chaotic： 混沌的，混亂的；ruthless： 無情的。

14. heart-rendering： 令人心碎的。

15. through thick and thin： 同甘共苦，風雨同舟。

16. affectionate： 深情的，充滿愛的。

17. resolute： 堅決的，果斷的；reluctant：不情愿的，勉強的。

18. 喬舒亞·愛德華茲在《下行》中說，“讓我卻步的不是痛苦，是時間——它悲哀的前兆與氣味，它的鮮花與回響，它的河流與罪錯。”Joshua Edwards：喬舒亞·愛德華茲，美國詩人、翻譯家；prefiguration： 預示，征兆。

19.“即便現在，雖沒有未來，我卻要對自己講著未來時態的謊言。我的頭發已稀疏，我開始收集梳子。鬧鐘鳴響，我只有一聲哀嘆。”chime： 鳴響。

20. decadent： 頹廢的。

21. mentality： 心態；que será será： 西班牙語，譯作英語為“Whatever will be， will be.”（順其自然，凡事不可強求。）

22. Wislawa Szymborska： 維斯拉瓦·辛波斯卡（1923—2012），波蘭詩人，1996年獲諾貝爾文學獎；“Absence”：《缺席》，維斯拉瓦·辛波斯卡的詩歌。

23. vicissitude： 變遷，興衰。

24. 我們在生命中浮沉，去感知，去發現，去體驗。ramble： 漫步。

25. benevolent： 仁慈的，慈善的。

26. 我要做的，只是像25年前在那團神秘的液體里那樣，任我窒息、任我愛憐，我總要努力“創造”自己。suffocating：令人窒息的，使人呼吸困難的；endearing： 可愛的，討人喜歡的。