雅思習作評改系列（6）：段落內邏輯必須清晰明了

在英語寫作課上，相信很多同學都聽老師說過要給段落寫主題句，也就是topic sentence，然后整個段落再圍繞這個主題句展開（當然展開的方式就多種多樣的了）。那么為什么要寫主題句呢？是不是所有段落都必須寫主題句？老雅認為，主題句很重要，尤其對初學者而言，老師規定必須寫主題句也是合理的，因為這樣可以確保每個段落只表達一個明確的觀點。如果沒有主題句，很多學生可能會在一個段落里寫出兩個以上觀點來，從而破壞段落觀點的唯一性原則。當然，對于有經驗的寫作老手來說，不寫主題句，一樣能夠讓讀者輕松get到他在段落中表達的唯一觀點，但對多數以6分、7分為目標的烤鴨而言，老雅強烈建議大家養成寫段落主題句的習慣。

主題句寫出來之后，后面的句子就要對主題句進行適度展開。這里需要注意兩個問題：一是不能在同一段引入與主題句不同的新觀點，二是句子之間要保持恰當的邏輯關系，共同為主題句服務。恰恰在這個方面，很多同學都不太注意。寫下主題句后，在后面的論證過程中似乎忘記了主題句，散漫隨意地論證，結果造成段落內邏輯松散，甚至前后矛盾。這樣的作文勢必給考官造成極大的閱讀困難，分數拉低就在所難免了。本期老雅給大家修改一篇學生習作，該習作在段落論證中出現了較大問題，請大家看老雅是如何修改的。

題目

Many museums charge for admission while others are free.

Do you think the advantages of charging people for admission to museums outweigh the disadvantages？

學生習作

There is a widespread public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I strongly argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

Museums serve us differently for city leaders， museum professionals and the general public. It could be great places to spend out on weekends with family members and friends. It could be fun and enlightening for a family to look for entertainment on a Sunday afternoon. To city leaders， museums can be seen as way to increase sophistication of its inhabitants. To a museum professional， a museum might be seen as a way to educate the public about the museum’s mission， such as civil rights or environmentalism. Museums are， above all， storehouse of knowledge. Admissions contribute to the normal running of museums and the funds of the frequent exhibits for the public. Some staffs are hired to manage the museums and maintain its daily clearness and tidiness.

Admissions may become the barrier to stop people from entering. Conversely， it encourages people to be better prepared before they get inside for a deep visit. Imagine that you are entering the Picasso Museum without knowing anything about him， what kind of impact could this museum have on you？ You will definitely walk out of it with regret and wish you could have known him more. Such rare opportunity could be missed when the live history is brought out in front of you and you could benefit a lot by asking a lot of questions and exchanging ideas with the people around. Museums were initially established for the increase and diffusion of knowledge. In such sense， Museums’ initial purpose is perfectly fulfilled.

Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums and we are contributing to the preservation of the human kind’s valuable assets which stand up until now.

評分：6

總評：結構清晰，能圍繞主題展開討論，能用英語比較正確地表達自己的思想，詞匯量不錯，明顯語法錯誤較少，標點符號方面沒有什么錯誤。但是，段落內論證方式需要更加清晰，邏輯需要更加合理，句與句之間的關聯需要更加緊密。從本篇習作看，稍加改進，作文得分可有較大提升。

逐句修改

第1段：There is a widespread public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I strongly argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

【老雅修改】There is a huge public interest in visiting museums. Some museums charge for entrance while some are free. This raises questions about whether the advantages of charging an admission fee outweigh its disadvantages. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I would argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

【老雅點評】開頭段引出話題，表明觀點，中規中矩。老雅修改不大。若需要進一步提高得分，需要考慮在作文開頭凸顯個性。比如，本題可考慮使用一個知名事件來引入話題：Just a few years ago， New York Cosmopolitan Art Museum went into a lawsuit because of the admission fee it charged. This raises questions among the public about whether museums should charge for entrance and if they should， how much the fee should be. Considering the museums’ cultural and educational importance， I would argue that it is quite fair for visitors to pay the admission fee.

第2段：Museums serve us differently for city leaders， museum professionals and the general public. It could be great places to spend out on weekends with family members and friends. It could be fun and enlightening for a family to look for entertainment on a Sunday afternoon. To city leaders， museums can be seen as way to increase sophistication of its inhabitants. To a museum professional， a museum might be seen as a way to educate the public about the museum’s mission， such as civil rights or environmentalism. Museums are， above all， storehouse of knowledge. Admissions contribute to the normal running of museums and the funds of the frequent exhibits for the public. Some staffs are hired to manage the museums and maintain its daily clearness and tidiness.

【老雅修改】Museums serve multiple functions and for every one of them the visitors should pay. Spending out on weekends with family members or friends in a museum is enjoyable as well as enlightening. A history museum narrates stories about a nation’s past， and an art museum brings the original drawings of many famous artists like Da Vinci to the visitors. So， for the thrilling experience and the precious knowledge， the visitors have every reason to support the museum by paying the admission fee. As we know， the day-to-day running and maintenance of a museum are rather costly， and the government budget is not always available， so the entrance fee from the visitors is sometimes extremely important for the survival of a museum.

【老雅點評】本段講人們需要支付博物館門票的第一個理由。原文區分博物館對三種人的不同功能，卻沒有說清楚人們為什么要為這三種功能支付門票。作者似乎忘記了，本文要論證的是人們為什么需要買門票，而不是博物館的功能。因此，本段的主題句就不合適，因為它突出的是博物館的不同功能，而不是為什么人們應該買門票。接下來本段重點也不是在論證買門票的重要性，只是到了最后兩句才回到段落的主題。這樣，本段就顯得脫離了本文的主題，使文章讀起來缺乏邏輯，這個問題在下一段也同樣存在。老雅修改的時候，在第一句（也就是段落主題句）就點出visitors should pay for the multiple functions of museums，這就扣到主題了。接下來主要從enjoyable和enlightening兩個方面說博物館能夠帶給visitors什么（舉歷史博物館和藝術博物館為例）。最后再補一句，說明游客的這些錢對博物館的日常運營非常重要。

第3段：Admissions may become the barrier to stop people from entering. Conversely， it encourages people to be better prepared before they get inside for a deep visit. Imagine that you are entering the Picasso Museum without knowing anything about him， what kind of impact could this museum have on you？ You will definitely walk out of it with regret and wish you could have known him more. Such rare opportunity could be missed when the live history is brought out in front of you and you could benefit a lot by asking a lot of questions and exchanging ideas with the people around. Museums were initially established for the increase and diffusion of knowledge. In such sense， Museums’ initial purpose is perfectly fulfilled.

【老雅修改】 Admittedly， admission fee may become the barrier to keep people from entering the museum. Yet， quite paradoxically， the money visitors pay can actually improve their experience in the museum because they will make more preparations before their visit. If the visitors do not have to spend a penny， they will more often than not enter the Picasso Museum and then walk out of it without learning anything. This is， of course， a great shame because the visitors take the free admission for granted and have not checked for more information about Picasso and when then do get in， they cannot benefit from exchanging ideas with people around.

【老雅點評】與第二段一樣，本段大部分篇幅講游客不做準備去博物館會怎樣，但沒有聯系到為什么游客應該買門票，讀起來感覺有些偏題了。其實，作者想表達的邏輯是清楚的：游客付錢后，就會認真準備，但是如果免費，他們就可能不做準備，這樣就算參觀了博物館也什么都學不到——因此，支付門票是好的。但原文里這個邏輯是暗含的，沒有明確出來，而老雅修改文則把這個邏輯說得更清晰直接。

第4段：Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums and we are contributing to the preservation of the human kind’s valuable assets which stand up until now.

【老雅修改】 Museums should be made accessible to the masses with entry charged in their affordable range in order to maintain the healthy running of the museums. By paying the entrance fee， we are contributing to the preservation of the humankind’s most valuable assets.

【老雅點評】最后結論段寫得很精彩，但是在we are contributing to...前面應該加上by paying the entrance fee。? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ?□

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