我譯我知我懂

《知曉我姓名》譯后感

2019年12月初的一天，大學師妹楊沁聯系我，詢問是否有意向翻譯《知曉我姓名》一書，翻譯時間只給三個月，而出版社希望找一位能對作品“感同身受”的女性譯者來承擔這項工作。我看過樣稿和資料之后就接下了這一任務。如今轉眼已一年過去，年輕的作家香奈兒·米勒——張小夏的這部在美國獲得盛譽的回憶錄，在中國面世以來也受到了讀者與媒體的大量關注與好評，還以高分登上“2020豆瓣年度讀書榜單”。雖然中文版的翻譯不免瑕疵，但身為譯者的我總算“不辱使命”，這篇短文將從本書譯者的角度，談幾點感想體會。

難寫、難讀與難譯

小夏說，寫作是她與世界相處的方式。從2015年1月17日案件發生，歷經漫長的審判，直至2018年8月案犯的上訴被駁回，終身被登記注冊為性侵罪犯，本案才算真正塵埃落定。時間過去近四年，在好不容易從案件中掙脫出來之后，她又選擇潛入其中，倒退到起點，用筆剖開舊傷，用文字彌合裂縫，重建生活，開始寫作。

其中的艱難不言而喻。這是一部難得的以性侵案受害者第一人稱展開的回憶錄。如果您去閱讀英文原著，會發現作者在語言表達上，使用大量短句，尤其是無主語句，往往一個詞、兩個詞、三個詞就是一句。

我的感受是：語句的形態源于表達者當時的狀態。當一個人要訴說自己受侵犯的經歷，事件發生后第一時間的震驚錯愕、思緒混亂，隨后向親近之人告知此事的彷徨猶疑，多次前往警局錄筆錄、多次出庭作證受質詢，沉重而絕望的創傷體驗的反反復復來襲，案件結束后仍然需要面對的以年為單位的療愈歷程。

恐慌、易激惹、空虛感、忐忑不安、小心翼翼、無法集中注意力，在相當一段時間內都將是情緒的常態。我不知道復雜優雅流暢的長句是否能夠真切地傳達創傷親歷者的所感與所思。因此，在翻譯時恪守的原則是盡量接近作者的文體特征，不求信達雅，盡量仿照其句式，在可理解的基礎上不增加也不減少標點，以保留原文情緒與氣息的傳達。小夏是一邊翻閱案卷資料，一邊回憶，一邊寫下這本書的。

她回顧了整個案件的始末，記錄下少為大眾所見的諸多細節。有網友評論：“這本書好在，從來不曾有一本書把性侵發生后的細節展露得如此巨細無遺……張小夏近乎強迫癥一般記錄了創傷后每一個微小的細節、表情、情緒和反應，以及面對性侵時當事人們的混亂和迷惘，我讀的所有性侵相關的研究和檔案都無法取代這種寶貴的真實。”

小夏筆下擁抱和保護的真實可能會帶來閱讀的陌生體驗和阻滯感。不少讀者在談到自己讀這本書的感受時，會覺得這本書難讀在難以一讀到底，隨著作者敘述的推進，讀者被激起的諸種情緒充塞胸中，只能把書放一放，待情緒平復再讀下去。如果說作品中溢出的憤怒、哀傷、悲痛、絕望等諸種情緒形成的閱讀障礙如此影響到讀者，那么譯者在翻譯的過程中所體會到的本書的難譯之處，恐怕也正在于此。由敘述帶來的情緒壓力使譯者不得不時常打斷工作進程。同時，譯稿初稿是在2020年2月間完成的，正好是國內新冠疫情最為嚴重的一段時間，譯書期間足不出戶，內外交困。本書的翻譯里保存了一段特殊的時光。

在張小夏的受害者陳述廣為流傳之后，曾有別有用心之人認為那是篇代筆之作。她毫不客氣地指出：“他們真正想說的是，受害者不會寫作。”為什么受害者不會寫作？是誰、是什么在抑止女性受害者的寫作？文化中與女性性經驗、性創傷捆綁在一起的深刻羞恥感是寫作者、讀者、譯者需要直面和反思的對象。

守柔曰強：寫作、療愈和戰斗

小夏寫道：“我活了下來，因為我守柔，因為我傾聽，因為我寫作。”當小夏的文字進入冷靜思考的節奏，不時讓我感到中國文化尤其是老子思想在她身上隱約的影響的閃現。“守柔”是老子的語匯。《道德經》中說：“見小曰明，守柔曰強。”“勝人者有力，自勝者強”，能夠戰勝心中巨大陰影者，當然是“勇者”。

夫慈故能勇。小夏說：“我寫作是為了站在受害者的苦難旁邊。”她的寫作的難得之處在于遠超出對個人痛苦的書寫，而是以一種寫作者的自覺意識和寬闊胸懷，將目光關注到受害者和受偏見者整體。決心要寫出真相的她發現：“當我把丑陋和痛苦的部分寫進一份陳述時，一件不可思議的事情發生了。世界并沒有堵住它的耳朵，而是向我敞開了自己。”

《知曉我姓名》的開篇第一句話說：“我很害羞”。而這么一位害羞的華裔女孩，卻選擇了公開自己的姓名。她說：“決定使用我的名字，意味著我必須學會大聲說出我的故事。”公開姓名更是為了找回屬于自己的聲音。一名女性幸存者公開姓名，寫下一部筆觸細密、真實動人的自傳記錄，使自己的故事成為了一種可分享的撫慰，其大無畏、大勇猛、大剛強與大智慧，需要被看到。

知雄守雌，知白守黑，知榮守辱。這段“出生入死”的經歷亦如小夏在書中多次寫到的潛水，最后從最幽暗處升騰浮出水面重新呼吸，在內心中完成轉化，再造復命，脫胎換骨。一切過往皆成就今日之我，今日之我需配得上過往的經驗，使之熔化鑄造出新我。正如她在一次節目訪談中所言：“毋庸置疑，你是無與倫比的，你是美麗的，有價值的，值得尊重的，不可否認，每一天的每一分鐘，你都是強大的，沒有人能把這一切從你身上奪走。”其書英文初版的藍綠色封面上的金色紋路，代表日本的金繕修復術，用金粉和漆粉來修補破碎的陶器，而不是把破損的地方當作瑕疵來掩蓋——雖然一件物品無法回到原有的模樣，但碎片可以再次拼起，甚至更新為一件藝術品。

重新拼湊起小夏生活的金粉，便是書中另一種豐富的細節，源于真實的日常生活世界中飽含安全、快樂、自由、愛和友善的無數細節。

小夏用飽含溫情與珍惜的筆墨把這些人生片段收藏在優美無比的段落里：那些父母、姐妹、戀人和朋友們的無條件看見與陪伴、來自世界各地的信件和明信片、志愿者老夫婦的支持、自己畫的小小自行車和制作的版畫作品、父親咨詢室里的魚缸，還有路邊同座老人遞過來的一片甜椒、海底世界的各種奇妙生靈……正是這些金粉將一個受傷者的療愈能力和創造動能激發出來，創造出超出自己原本想象之外的生活。

（感謝旅美作家張慈提供部分素材圖片）

Know Zhang Xiaoxia through Translation

Yang Xin， a schoolmate now working as an editor at a publishing house in Shanghai， contacted me in early December 2019 and asked me if I would like to translate Zhang Xiaoxia aka Chanel Millers Know My Name into Chinese within three months.

She said the publisher wanted a woman translator of empathy to do the job. After reading the book sample and reference files that came with the sample， I took the assignment. A year has elapsed.

The Chinese edition of the memoir， published in August 2020， ranked high at the year-end booklist issued in December 2020 by Douban， the most popular ranking website in China. Though the translation contains some defects， I feel proud that I have done the translation.

In my heart， the name of author is Zhang Xiaoxia due to her Chinese ancestral roots， even though she wants the world to know her as Chanel Miller.

Zhang Xiaoxia said writing is the way she copes with the world. Her nightmare occurred on January 17， 2015. After a long trial and appeal， the case ended in August 2018. Turner Brock was found guilty of three serious felonies and identified as a lifetime sex registrant. Then she decided to go back to the nightmare and wrote it out in full.

It goes without saying that the experience of writing and going through the tribulations again and again was hard， to say the least. In the memoir， Chanel Miller uses the first person perspective to shed light on her trauma. If you read the book in English， you run into quite a few incomplete sentences. The truncated sentences of one word， two words， or three words vividly delineate what the victim went through： shock， confusion， fear， hollowness， anguish， depression， inability to focus， etc.

She was in a distressed mental state for a long time， unable to feel normal. In translating， I doubted long complete sentences in Chinese could recreate the same tension and urgency， reinforces whats being said and make the same impact. I decided to hold fast to the original style， imitating it down to punctuation marks.

The book presents raw facts and speak out candidly， making some readers feel suffocated in reading. Some readers say that they failed to go through the book at one sitting. They had to put the book down to take a deep breath so that they could dismiss rage， despair， grief， sadness that occurred in reading so that they could pick up the book again. If readers go through all these feelings， I as a translator experienced the same feelings more sharply.

As the translator， I could feel the Chinese element in Xiaoxias writing. For example， “I survived because I remained soft， because I listened， because I wrote，” she wrote in the book. “Remaining soft” resembles an ancient Chinese concept promoted by Laozi， a philosopher of 2，500 years ago， in his timeless work Tao Te Ching.

What the ancient sage says can be paraphrased as follows： “The perception of what is small is the secret of clear-sightedness; the guarding of what is soft and tender is the secret of strength.”

I admire Xiaoxias courage. What she wrote about is far more than her personal sufferings. With the insight and heart of a writer， she spoke out for those who are crushingly victimized and prejudiced. Her book presents her bravery and wisdom， which should be made known to the world.

I admire Xiaoxias fighting spirit. She fought Turner Brock， wanting him to be punished for his heinous sexual assault， and wanting the world to know such sexual offenders should pay for what they do. But her kindness and humanity can be read between lines. She wrote in the book， “I wanted accountability and punishment， but I also hoped he was getting better. I didnt fight to end him， I fought to convert him to my side. I wanted him to understand， to acknowledge the harm his actions had caused and reform himself.”

I understand Xiaoxias fight was meant to enable herself to face the world and herself now and in the future. I hope the book I translated can let Xiaoxias name be known to more people in the world， and urge people to more relentlessly fight those who dare to harass and assault women sexually.