與她們一道,去世界底部潛水

《知曉我姓名》編輯手記

編者按：2020年 12月，香奈兒·米勒 （張小夏）入選福布斯2020年30位30歲以下精英榜。事件發生四年之后，張小夏作為受害者決定站出來，以真名推出紀實文學《知曉我姓名》（Know My Name）被16個語種翻譯出版，這本書的中文版日前由世紀文景推出。人民日報客戶端也刊發文章：《知曉我姓名》從受害者走向勝利者。中文版獲2020豆瓣年度讀書榜單并榮登社科紀實榜高分圖書。本刊特邀了中文版譯者、浙江外國語學院青年教師陳毓飛，編者上海人民出版社編輯楊沁一起解讀《知曉我姓名Know My Name》。

一

2016年，我在印度工作。那時，印度接連發生了幾起惡性強奸案例，殘忍的作案手法令人心碎，BBC為此拍攝了紀錄片《印度的女兒》。出發之前，每個知道我要去印度的人都會迅速地向我瞥一眼，眼里流露出意味深長的關切：“哦，那你要小心啊。”我慢慢從那種眼神里意識到，發生在我周圍的恥辱也會成為自己的恥辱。

為了熟悉當地情況，我每天都會讀當地的報紙，看看發生了什么新聞、媒體在關注什么。有一天我在《印度時報》（TOI）的國際版里猛然看到了“斯坦福性侵案”。

案子發生在2015年，犯罪嫌疑人被當場拘捕，有目擊證人，醫院提供了完整的受害報告，陪審團認定針對嫌疑人的三項性侵重罪指控均成立，最高可判14年監禁——但最終只判了6個月，實際減刑為3個月。因為他是名校學生，游泳健將，未來的奧運新星。

不幸中的萬幸是，化名為埃米莉·多伊的受害者極具寫作天賦，她在法庭上發表了長篇陳述，將自己遭受的痛苦、羞辱、迷惑、失望、憤怒以異常清晰的邏輯表達出來，她的呼喊既是個人情感的澎湃，也充滿對他者的共情——一夜之間，這篇陳述在網絡上燃燒起來，灼痛了美國人的神經，一位女議員帶頭在美國眾議院全文朗讀陳述，這也是性侵受害者的陳述歷史上首次在美國國會眾議院上被全文宣讀;時任美國副總統拜登發表致受害者的公開信，強烈譴責美國文化中對性侵受害者的嚴重不公。

報道的字里行間，我都能感受到那個印度記者的興奮。對一個女性地位全球倒數的國家來說，這樣的聲音太珍貴、太令人心潮澎湃了，它雖然看上去離現實如此遙遠，卻又如此迫近地存在于每個人心中的熱望。

后來，有了林奕含事件。那個太美好的女孩，某些時刻房思琪甚至還會為侵犯她的老師漸漸衰老而感到憂心和愧疚。但房思琪精神崩潰了，林奕含最終離開了這個對她來說過于丑陋的世界。在一個微博樹洞中，有上千名網友傾訴自己成長過程中被性侵的經歷，她（他）們懷揣著沉甸甸的秘密，仍若無其事地生活著：微笑，購物，上班打卡。

這就是受害者的最終結局嗎？為什么施暴者最后活得好好的，反倒是受害者來承擔隱忍、羞恥、難以磨滅的痛苦，讓她們在深夜里被回憶啃噬甚至被毀滅？

這是不對的，這是不正常的。受害者應該有另一種生存姿態。

2019年，當我以圖書編輯的身份讀到《知曉我姓名》樣章時，我感受到了三年前那個印度記者的興奮。埃米莉·多伊的故事有了結局。當她被逼入絕境，她站了起來，去戰斗，去改變。事實上她做到了，犯罪者終生被注冊為性侵罪犯，美國泳協對其終生禁賽。加州罷免了主審法官，并通過兩項嚴懲性侵罪犯的新法案。但這還不夠，她還要修復自己受傷的心，找回自己的名字和尊嚴。她寫下這本回憶錄，告訴世人：“我不是‘布羅克·特納的受害者。我不是他的任何東西。我不屬于他。我的名字是香奈兒。我還是半個華裔。我的中文名是張小夏。”

她真的太棒了。

二

譯者毓飛交稿是在三月的最后一天。因為疫情比較嚴重，她幾個月來幾乎足不出戶，沒了空間的轉換，完全沉浸在文稿的世界中。她把譯稿發給我的時候說：“相信你讀譯稿的時候，會知道我這幾個月以來的感覺。”

香奈兒寫自己最初意識到被性侵時的感覺，鋒利而清晰：一種被寂靜吞噬的恐怖。從一個是非分明的世界中脫離。這一刻并非痛苦，并非歇斯底里，亦非痛哭流涕。而是你的內臟變成了冰冷的石頭。是純粹的困惑伴隨著一絲察覺。慢慢成長的奢侈已經逝去。由此開始的是殘忍的覺醒。

她寫自己試圖封鎖、遺忘，將痛苦變成具象：“我把那天早上的記憶放進一個大罐子里。我搬著這個罐子，一層一層又一層地往樓下搬，把它放在一個柜子里，鎖起來，然后輕快地走上樓去，繼續過我以前建造的生活”。但創傷會像幽靈一般逡巡徘徊，令人措手不及地重現，“每當我想起那個早晨，就會多一個罐子。我的腦海被這些密封罐子塞滿了。”最后，“我沒有地方堆放它們。它們塞滿了樓梯間，沒法藏在在柜子里。我的世界里堆滿了罐子，我沒有地方坐，沒有地方走，也沒有地方呼吸。”

香奈兒筆下有大量栩栩如生的細節，這些細節把她還原為一個活生生的多面體，讓人觸摸到她生活的質地：爸爸辦公室里橙子有鼓脹的臉頰，奶奶偷偷把巧克力帶進法庭塞給她，她把營救她的兩個瑞典學生的自行車畫在床頭……她用細膩、綿密、優美的文字書寫了曾經溫馨的家庭生活，書寫了親人、男友、朋友以及陌生人給予的愛，這些愛有多么溫暖，那些痛苦就有多么冰冷而尖利。

但她沒有被痛苦擊倒。她把更多的力量用來生氣和憤怒。網絡對她的質疑和污名;法院開庭時間不斷改期，將她和家人的生活徹底打亂;辯方律師故意詢問細枝末節的問題，誘導她說出自相矛盾的話，甚至聲稱受害者在被侵犯的過程中獲得了快樂……她艱難地挪動步子，緊緊擁抱真相，“保護著它，就像在一場可怕的風暴中保護一團小小的火焰”。稿子看了三分之一，鮑毓明案爆發了，我至今仍記得讀到新聞時那種內心被鈍刀一點點切割的感覺，然后有馬匹在我心里飛奔：恨不得挾泰山以超北海，盡快、馬上、現在就把稿子的流程過完，明天就發給印刷廠，后天就讓它上市。我不知道這樣做到底有什么意義，有多大意義，世界會不會真的因為一本書、一道聲音而改變，而多久之后它又會被群體性遺忘，但擺在我面前只有這唯一的事。一天深夜，我看稿看得腦子有點昏沉，于是走到陽臺上站了會兒。

窗外的車水馬龍跟疫情前已經沒什么區別了，即使在夜里，也有絡繹不絕的車輛在路上奔波。

唯一不同的是街上很沉默，沒有來往行人說話的聲音，車輛默默打著燈，它們也知道疫情期間在公共場合張開嘴巴是一件危險的事。我忽然覺得這些車輛、車輛中看不見的駕駛員、書中的女孩、記憶中的女孩和自己都在夜晚的海底世界中潛水，生存像幽暗的大水一樣覆蓋著所有人。

三

香奈兒在書中也寫過潛水。性侵之后，男友為了讓她平復身心，和她一起去潛水，那是我覺得全書最精彩的段落之一。

魚兒像五彩紙屑一樣，在我周圍自由地游來游去。有大塊的石頭，發光的意大利面條般的海葵。細長的白尖鯊身體緊貼著沙灘。蘆葦一樣的海帶搖擺著，又長又懶。我給一條長著綠色大嘴唇的土豆形的魚讓路，它跌跌撞撞地匆匆而過，就像面試遲到了一樣。一條正在搖頭的鰻魚，就像它正在吵架一樣，完全不敢相信你剛才說的話。……我看著所有這些生物過著它們的日常生活，完全沒有意識到自己的存在。在這個無言的世界里，自己如此渺小，無人注意，這是多么令人欣慰的事啊。我離開了痛苦，那種讓我盲目的痛苦，讓我夢想著陷入虛無的痛苦，讓我想要消失的痛苦。如果這就是世界，你怎么會想離開呢？所有這些美麗和奇異。

我一邊讀一邊感嘆，寫得真好啊，多么純真，多么平靜，那種始終游弋在殘缺世界中的美好感覺。她并未沉溺于控訴，而是不斷挖掘自己在精神和心理上的蛻變過程：如何在痛苦和自我否定中掙扎，如何經過漫長而曲折的修復過程，最終將傷痛內化為人生哲學的一部分。

她從自我束縛、自我糾結的循環里破繭而出，站起來，將自己融入廣闊的受害者群體之中，向她們大聲疾呼：這不是你的錯。她不僅看見自己，還看見指控韋恩斯坦的好萊塢女星，看見倒在針對女性的槍擊案中的亡魂，看見被家暴、用蹩腳的英文為自己申辯的華人女子，看見被警察開槍打死的黑人男子……這些人群和她有著某種相似的聯結：或同為女性、華人，或遭遇不公，他們身后映射著更寬廣的制度和文化問題。

對寫作者來說，最重要的是同理心，看見那些被社會抹除的人，聽見那些被沉默吞噬的聲音，唯有如此，寫作者才能克服自身的傷痛向更遼闊的世界敞開。

當她真正敞開自己，她知道自己已無需匿名。正如她在崔娃的訪談節目中所說，在決定使用真名的那一刻她已經深知自己是誰、自己的價值、自己的能力，如果一個人能深入了解自己，就不會再陷入糾結和迷亂。她真的太勇敢，當她臉上閃動著光，大聲對世界上每一個曾有過傷痛的女孩說：

“毋庸置疑，你是無與倫比的，你是美麗的，有價值的，值得尊重的，不可否認，每一天的每一分鐘，你都是強大的，沒有人能把這一切從你身上奪走。”

四

書下印后，心中如釋重負。做這本書的過程中遇到了很多善意：不少網友在Know My Name的英文版頁面上留下了動人的評論，我曾給一些網友發信，詢問能否在宣傳文案中使用他們的評論，他們欣然授權。

不少我不認識的編輯同行都祝福這本書能遇見更多讀者，我和一些記者和撰稿人也因為這本書結緣成為朋友。特別感謝譯者毓飛和設計師趙瑾，這本書凝結著她們的才華、靈感以及辛苦付出的日日夜夜。

私心里，這本書也是給自己做個交代，為了那個女孩曾送我一盤葡萄、為在印度報紙上讀到的那些血淋淋的案例、為微博樹洞里孤獨回響的留言……這些事發生了、被我看見了，就和我產生了某種聯系，它們也在潛移默化地改變著我。總覺得對她們有所虧欠。現在還給她們這樣一本充滿力量的小書，心里好受多了，雖然也還是沒有還清。

幾天后，收到作者的郵件，她說：“讓這本書和中國讀者見面是我一直以來的夢想，謝謝你們將它帶給中國讀者，這對我和我的家人來說意義非凡。”

她在書中寫到，每次媽媽帶她回中國老家，外婆都會對她說：“你的酒窩真漂亮！腳真大！”外婆的祖母裹小腳。4英寸的腳。而現在，她的腳是9英寸半。經過奮力游弋，“每一代人都比上一代更自由一些。”

這種自由就是長時間潛水后浮出水面的感受——經過漫長的幽暗、經過重重疊疊的水的壓力，我們重新回到空氣當中，重新上岸，重新呼吸。

（作者：楊沁，《知曉我姓名》中文版編輯，

世紀文景/上海人民出版社，2020年6月版）

Lets Go with Them to See

the Undercurrents of the World

Chanel Miller is the standard rape survivor formerly known publicly as Emily Doe who has come forward and revealed her identity in Know My Name in an effort to help others who have been sexually assaulted. The book has been translated into sixteen languages. The Chinese translation ranks high in a booklist for faction for 2020 at Douban， an authoritative website for rankings of books， television series， documentaries and feature films. In this issue of Cultural Dialogue we print three articles respectively by Yang Xin， the editor of the Chinese version of Know My Name， Chen Yufei， the translator who works as a teacher at Zhejiang Foreign Languages Academy， and Zhang Ci， Chanel Millers mother， who is an American Chinese. With Chinese ancestral roots， Chanel Millers Chinese name is Zhang Xiaoxia.

Shortly after my college graduation I remember the day I went to visit my friend working for a company in Beijing. We were chatting when someone knocked on the door. A girl came in holding a plate of grapes for me. She put the plate down on the table and went out like a doe as if she thought her stay could disturb us. I saw her just for a brief moment. She was a pretty girl with long hair down the back. My friend said the pretty girl had a genial and lovely character and supervisors liked her. About six months later， my friend told me that the pretty girl had resigned shortly after the Spring Festival. At the companys year-end party just before the Spring Festival， she drank wine and afterwards she slept with a supervisor. She said it was rape and the supervisor said it was consensual. She complained to the management. Her complaint came to nothing and she found she couldnt continue to work for the company. Her complaint didnt hold water， I learned. She was an adult and knew what she was doing. Why did she go to his place after the party？

The supervisor was in his fifties， married and had a past of similar incidences. Eventually， the supervisor paid several tens of thousands to her. The word “compensation” hit me hard. What happened to the girl may be not unusual and what the pretty girl looked like is rather vague in my memory， but the sharp bitter pain I felt about ten years ago when I heard the word compensation has stayed.

I often wonder what she would do with the cash and whether she would feel humiliated about herself when she thought about the amount. In my eye， behind the so called compensation is a gaping abysm.

I worked in India in 2016. After learning I was going to work in India， my friends asked me to be careful. I realized that the same bad thing could happen to me.? I learned about very vicious rapes there through media. BBC produced a documentary based on these cases.

It was in India that I read about the “Stanford Sexual Assault” case in the international page of The Times of India. The rape occurred on the Stanford campus in 2015. The suspect was arrested on the spot. There were witnesses. The hospital provided a complete report on the victim. She drew national headlines in 2016 when she confronted Brock Turner during sentencing with a powerful statement about the impact he had on her. The jury found the defendant guilty on three counts. Turner was sentenced to six months in jail. Her victim impact statement instantly went viral after it was posted online， viewed by eleven million people within days. It was read on the floor of Congress. The judge in the case was recalled in 2018 because of the outrage over Turners sentence.

While reading all this in India， I could feel the rage of the Indian reporter. In 2019， I as a book editor felt the same rage when reading the proofs of Know My Name.

I received the translation documents on March 31， 2020. The translator had shut herself up at home largely because of the pandemic. The translating work for months at home gave her no room to escape from the sentiment seething and tormenting. She said， “You can feel what I have been feeling over the past months when you go through the translation.”When Chanel Miller made her statement at the court， she used Emily Doe as her name. Now she stepped forward and revealed her real identity to the world， hence Know My Name.

The book is full of details graphic， ruthless， and suffocating. Even today I can feel the blunt force of the book. I wanted the book to be printed in a day and marketed on the next. I wasnt sure if the world could change a bit because of the book， but I knew the book was the only thing I cared at that moment and I wanted it out onto bookshelves as soon as possible for Chinese readers.

One night， I worked at the translation text as usual. Then I took a break and looked down at the street scene from the veranda. The cityscape was like a huge pantomime. Suddenly I thought these vehicles and pedestrians in the street below were a scene under the sea.

The sexually abused victim in the book I was editing and those I had read in the media suddenly popped up in my minds eye， struggling in the undercurrents beneath the sea surface.

Editing the book also gave me an experience of relief. Especially， I found the most soothing part of the book is how Chanel Miller left the nightmarish experience behind and rehabilitated with the assistance of her boyfriend and other friends and the public.

I was impressed by Chanel Millers description of diving in the sea with her boyfriend.

After the book went to press， I felt another round of relief. Thanks to the editing work I did， I have made friends with many people including some journalists and writers， and some commentators whose online comments on the book were used with their permission in the promotion of the book.