優化動作描寫,刻畫人物形象

廣東 莫炎芬

【問題導讀】

當前的讀后續寫大都是要求續寫人物的經歷，補充后續的故事情節。這種記敘性的文體離不開對動作、環境、心理、外貌、語言、神態等方面的描寫。不少同學受制于有限的語言表達能力，又缺乏有效的針對性訓練，這導致續寫內容過于平淡、人物形象蒼白、語言空洞，讀起來索然無味，毫無感染力。因此，重視描寫性的語言素材積累，加強專項訓練就十分必要。

動作描寫是讀后續寫中的一項重要微技能。我們在讀原文時，可以通過關注文中的動作描寫來快速梳理文章的情節，分析人物的性格，感受文章的語言風格。在續寫時，我們可以通過描寫人物的具體動作來推動情節發展、塑造人物形象和展現人物性格。

【名師導學】

通過優化動作描寫，文章不僅可以反映人物的身份、地位，還可以體現人物的心理活動過程，從而使人物的性格特征躍然紙上。因此，一篇優秀的讀后續寫離不開生動形象的動作描寫。

進行動作描寫時，不是不加選擇地對所有人物的所有動作都進行描寫，而是要對能夠體現人物性格特征的動作進行準確、生動地描寫。成功的動作描寫，可以通過選擇準確的動詞、合適的狀語和合理的句式來實現。

另外，我們平時要有積累意識，把課文、練習和課外閱讀中碰到的有關動作描寫的詞句摘抄下來。我們可以按照動作的類型來積累，如可以分為眼、手、口等不同的身體部位的動作，還可以分為走、跑、跳、笑、哭等動作。

【案例導引】

閱讀下面材料，根據其內容和所給段落開頭語續寫兩段，使之構成一篇完整的短文。

I was a vet in Yorkshire.One day I received a call from Mrs Tompkin asking me to cut her budgie's(虎皮鸚鵡)beak (喙).I dropped what I was doing immediately,armed myself with a pair of clippers and stepped onto the narrow strip of pavement which separated the door from the road.A pleasant looking red-haired woman answered my knock.

“I'm Mrs Dodds next door,”she said.“I keep an eye on the old lady.She's over eighty and lives alone.”

Chatting with me friendly,she led me into the cramped little room,and said to the old woman in a corner,“Here's Mr Herriot coming to see Peter for you.”Mrs Tompkin nodded and smiled,“Oh that's good.The poor little fella can hardly eat with its long beak and I'm worried about him.He's my only companion,you know.”

“Yes,I understand,Mrs Tompkin.”I looked at the cage by the window with the green budgie perched（棲息）inside.“These little birds can be wonderful company when they start chattering.”

She laughed.“Yes,but it's a funny thing.Peter never has said that much.I think he's lazy!But I just like having him with me.”

“Of course you do,”I replied patiently,“but he certainly needs attention now.”

The beak was greatly overgrown,curving away down till it touched the feathers of the breast.I would be able to revolutionize his life with one quick snip from my clippers.The way I was feeling this job was right up my street.

I opened the cage door and slowly inserted my hand.

“Come on,Peter,”I wheedled（哄騙）.Lifting him out,I hunted in my pocket with the other hand for the clippers,and then stopped.

The tiny head was no longer poking cheekily from my fingers but had fallen loosely to one side.The eyes were closed.He was dead.

Mrs Dodds and I stared at each other in horror.When I turned my head towards Mrs Tompkin,I was surprised to see that she was still nodding and smiling.

I drew her neighbor to one side.“Mrs Dodds,how much does she see?”

“Oh,she's very short-sighted,but she's right vain despite her age.Never would she wear glasses.She's hard of hearing,too.”

“Well,look,”I said.My heart was still pounding.“I just don't know what to do.If I tell her about this,the shock will be terrible.Anything could happen.”

Mrs Dodds nodded with a sad face.“Yes,you're right.She's that attached to the little thing.”

注意：續寫詞數應為150左右。

Paragraph 1:

Suddenly it occurred to me that I could buy her a new bird in the nearby store.________

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Paragraph 2:

It was a long time before I dared to go back to Mrs Tompkin's to see how she got along with the new bird.____________________________________________________________

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一、厘清文本內容，明確語篇主題

（一）原文要素

（二）原文主題

本文講述了一位獸醫被叫去為一位獨居老人的虎皮鸚鵡剪喙的故事。獸醫發現這只虎皮鸚鵡事實上已經死了，但是因為老人的視力和聽力都欠佳，所以她并未發現。為了不讓老人失去她唯一的伙伴，獸醫決定不告訴老人真相，還要為她買一只相似的虎皮鸚鵡。故事體現了對老人和弱勢群體的關愛。

二、品讀原文經典，領悟動作描寫

（一）精選動詞，力求精準描述

【例1】Iarmedmyself with a pair of clippers.

我準備好了一把剪子。

【例2】Ikeep an eye onthe old lady.

我照看著那位老太太。

【例3】Ihuntedin my pocket with the other handforthe clippers.

我用另一只手在口袋里找剪刀。

【例4】My heart was stillpounding.

我的心還在狂跳。

評析與點撥：根據人物所處的環境和性格特點，選用準確恰當的動詞能把人物刻畫得活靈活現，同時也能讓讀者在具體的語境中體會到夸張或幽默等表達效果。如果上面四個例子中的四個粗體動詞（詞組）分別用prepared、look after、looked for、beating來替換，各個句子就會變得平平淡淡，讀起來索然無味。從應試的角度來看，準確地選用動詞，能體現考生的語言水平，是作文獲得高分的基礎。

要準確地選用動詞，通常需要運用具體動詞替代籠統動詞。請體會下表中左右兩列動詞在表達準確性方面的差異。

另外，運用恰當的短語替代普通動詞也是常用的技巧之一。請體會下表中左右兩列在表達效果方面的差異。

（二）添加狀語，實現生動描寫

【例5】Chatting with mefriendly...

和我友好地聊著天……

【例6】“Of course you do,”I repliedpatiently,“but he certainly needs attention now.”

“你當然喜歡，”我耐心地回答，“但他現在肯定需要照顧。”

【例7】I opened the cage door andslowlyinserted my hand.

我打開籠子的門，慢慢地把手伸進去。

【例8】Mrs Dodds and I stared at each otherin horror.

多茲太太和我驚恐地面面相覷。

評析與點撥：利用副詞、介詞短語等狀語來修飾動詞，能表現動作發生的狀態、程度、方式等特點，也能讓讀者產生畫面感。例句中的粗體狀語能更好地體現出人物的性格品質和內心活動，這對塑造人物形象、主題升華都有重要的作用。

我們在平時的學習中，要有意識地積累地道的修飾語并分類整理，建立自己的語言素材庫。比如，在描寫動作的快速、短暫時，我們可以選用下列修飾語：rapidly、immediately、speedily、swiftly、instantly、promptly、hastily、without pausing、in no time、in an instant、without delay等。

（三）細化動作，寫出連動過程

【例9】I droppedwhat I was doing immediately,armedmyself with a pair of clippers andstepped ontothe narrow strip of pavement which separated the door from the road.

我立刻放下手頭的工作，拿起一把剪刀，踏上了那道門與路之間的狹長人行道。

【例10】Chattingwith mefriendly,sheledme into the cramped little room,andsaidto the old woman in a corner,“Here's Mr Herriot coming to see Peter for you.”

她和我友好地聊著天，把我領進那間狹窄的小房間，對角落里的老婦人說：“赫里奧特先生來看彼得了。”

【例11】Iopenedthe cage door andslowly insertedmy hand.

我打開籠子的門，慢慢地把手伸進去。

【例12】Liftinghim out,Ihuntedin my pocket with the other hand for the clippers,and thenstopped.

我把他抱了出來，另一只手在口袋里找剪刀，然后停了下來。

評析與點撥：空洞、籠統的動作描寫無助于人物形象的塑造。事實上，不管是簡單還是復雜的動作都不是一下子就能完成的。我們若能進行細致觀察，就能捕捉到一連串細微的動作。我們應把最能體現人物特征的連續動作提煉出來并形成動作鏈，寫出具有連貫性的動感畫面，使人物形象更生動、立體。

連動的描寫可以是最簡單的兩個動作的描寫（如例11），用“A and B”的句式；也可以是三連動（如例9），使用“A,B and C”的句式；甚至可以是更多個動作連續發生，使用“A,B,C,...and X”的句式。另外也可以借助分詞作狀語的手段來描寫（如例10、例12），使用“doing/having done...+主干”或“主干+doing...and doing...”的句式。當然這些都是基本的句式結構，在實際使用中可以有更靈活的變化，還可以加上必要的形容詞或副詞來修飾，從而寫出更細膩的動作，使動作描寫更有層次感和畫面感。

三、做針對性練習，提升專項技能

請根據中文意思，在下列句子的空格處填上合適的單詞或短語。

1.媽媽睡著以后，他從后門溜了出去。

After his mother fell asleep,he__________out by the back door.

2.他嘀咕道：“她怎么敢！”

“How dare she!”he__________.

3.他突然大哭起來，氣呼呼地跑了。

He__________and stormed off.

4.狼沒有動，默默地瞪著我。

The wolf didn't move,__________.

5.她拖著腳，不情愿地跟在她的父母后面。

She__________her feet as she__________followed her parents.

6.那個獵人手里提著槍沖進了樹林。

The hunter dashed into the forest,__________.

7.她沖上前去，跪在地上，把兒子抱在懷里。

She dashed forward,__________and gathered her son into her arms.

8.那個歌手看了觀眾一眼，深吸了一口氣，開始唱歌。

The singer__________at the audience,__________and began to sing.

9.他們站在空曠的路旁，仰望天空，感受著內心珍貴的平靜。

__________beside the empty road,they looked up into the sky,feeling the precious peace from within.

10.貝貝垂著胳膊，坐在池邊，不知道自己是對還是錯。

With his arms__________,Beibei sat beside the pool,__________whether he was right or wrong.

【參考范文】

學習下面的參考范文，體會文中的動作描寫。

Paragraph 1:

Suddenly it occurred to me that I could buy her a new bird in the nearby store.Mrs Dodds also thought it was a good idea and even suggested one in the town.Icalmeddown,clearedmy throat,andinformedMrs Tompkin that I was going to take Peter along to the surgery to do the job.Ilefther stillnodding and smilingand,cage in hand,fled into the street.I soon found the shop and luckily there was a green budgie in the shop.With the bird in the cage,Isped backandhungit in its place by the window.“I think you'll find everything is well now,”I told Mrs Tompkin.

Paragraph 2:

It was a long time before I dared to go back to Mrs Tompkin's to see how she got along with the new bird.The old lady herself came to the door.“How...”Istammered,“How is...er...?”Shepeered atme closely for a moment and then laughed.“Oh,you mean Peter.He is just grand.Come in and see him.”In the little room the cage was still hung by the window and Peter the Secondhopped aroundthe bars of the cage,running up and downhis ladder.His mistressreached up,tappedthe metal andlooked lovingly athim.“You know,you wouldn't believe it,”she said.“He's like a different bird.”I swallowed.“Is that so? In what way?”“Well,he's so active now and evenchattersto me all day long.It's wonderful what cutting a beak can do.”

【模擬導練】

閱讀下面材料，根據其內容和所給段落開頭語續寫兩段，使之構成一篇完整的短文。

Steve was the most amazing person in all of Minneapolis,and he was my cousin.By the age of 19.Steve was a star baseball player at the University of Minnesota.I wanted to be exactly like him.So when Steve asked me to go with him on a spring fishing trip in northern Minnesota,I was excited！

After planning the trip,we gathered clothes and supplies,and began our great adventure.We reached the Superior National Forest in northern Minnesota by early evening.On our way to the campsite,Steve pointed to a faraway small house in one of the mountains,saying that it was the foresters'station where the forester worked.

Finally,after a long walk,we reached the campsite and set up the camp as the sun was setting.Steve knew all the tricks of an experienced wilderness camper.After we gathered enough wood from the forest,he started the campfire using only stone and steel—no matches.For supper,we feasted on freeze-dried beef,wild rice and pea soup.I ate greedily after all that work.

Tired enough,we climbed into our sleeping bags early and talked about our plans for fishing the next day.We were still talking quietly when a sudden north wind picked up;the temperature dropped and it began to snow.Steve found a way to increase the temperature inside the tent.He dragged a log from the forest to the opposite side of the campfire.Then he wrapped aluminum foil around the log.The heat from the fire reflected off the foil and into the tent.Soon,images of lake fish were filling my dreams.

The snow had stopped,but sometime later a powerful wind must have kicked up the flames of our dying fire.I was abruptly awakened by Steve.Our tent was on fire.Frightened,I ran out of the tent immediately.The tent collapsed with Steve inside.

注意：續寫詞數應為150左右，盡量用到上文提到的動作描寫的技巧。

Paragraph 1：

Without any thought of endangering myself,I rushed into the burning tent and pulled Steve to the icy lake._________________________________________________________

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Paragraph 2：

Suddenly,we heard a noise in the forest.______________________________________

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【評價導思】

1.讀原文時，我是否找到了原文的動作描寫亮點？

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2.續寫這篇文章的時候，我是否運用了動作描寫的一些技巧？

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3.讀完本文，我是否積累了一些可以用于以后續寫的高級詞句？

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