Personal Statement

主持人_王 眾 鄧茗文

Personal Statement

主持人_王 眾 鄧茗文

本期開始，《留學(xué)》的文書點(diǎn)評(píng)欄目邀請(qǐng)文書作者自己撰寫對(duì)文書的回顧與評(píng)價(jià)，并奉上《留學(xué)》的私房點(diǎn)評(píng)。

2010年10月15日，羅切斯特大學(xué)金融學(xué)專業(yè)碩士申請(qǐng)個(gè)人陳述

Describe your post-M.B.A. or post-M.S. career plans. How does your past education and experience support your career objectives? What aspects of the Simon School program make it a good choice for your graduate study? Why have you chosen to apply to the Simon School for graduate study? (500 word maximum)

I want to initiate my career in a securities company as an industrial analyst, especially on the energy sector, and about five years later, to set up a Private Equity Fund to invest on new Chinese industrial growth points. I deem my goals above are feasible, aligning with my background and predicable potentials in my graduate study.①

My special interest in energy industry derives from my parents, senior engineers of a research institute affiliated to China National Petroleum Corporation. Since my childhood, I have been greatly impressed by big sums of foreign direct investment and merger, and intricate stories of overseas negotiation in Venezuela. It is from them that I have a rough idea of petroleum industry’s investment, M&A and production in South America and become greatly enthusiastic towards investment returns and risk evaluation. Consequently, in March, 2008, I chose the dual-major program in Accounting and Finance at the Ohio State University.

My college years heads towards my desired direction. Availing of accessible resources, I quickly equip myself with professional knowledge for my future career. Firstly, from a wide range of accounting courses, I further know how to analyze cash flow structure, enterprise ability to pay debt and obtain cash, earnings quality, etc. to judge enterprise financial position and further rationalize investors’ decision. Meanwhile, by financial courses and trainings, such as IB Training provided by Wall Street Training, I am informed with financial models and investment strategies. Besides, my research ability and cooperative skills cultivated from group work with international classmates are bound to serve my future career.②

王眾，本科為英語(yǔ)專業(yè)，英國(guó)卡迪夫大學(xué)國(guó)際新聞系碩士，申請(qǐng)時(shí)DIY文書資料。

《留學(xué)》點(diǎn)評(píng)

① 該段簡(jiǎn)單利落地表明了自己畢業(yè)后的規(guī)劃，并表示，憑著自己的學(xué)術(shù)背景和接下來的碩士學(xué)習(xí)，可以達(dá)成目標(biāo)，很自然地過渡到學(xué)術(shù)背景上。

② 本段是中規(guī)中矩的羅列，列數(shù)了自己在本科期間的主要課程；優(yōu)點(diǎn)在于結(jié)構(gòu)緊湊、語(yǔ)言簡(jiǎn)潔；尤其值得借鑒的是短語(yǔ)使用靈活，且句式多變。

③ 本段開頭很贊，“綜合考量自己的利弊后，我決定強(qiáng)化自己的金融知識(shí)?！边@表明自己學(xué)習(xí)金融既不是拜金、也不是因?yàn)樽约郝斆鹘^頂，而是真誠(chéng)的需要，而且是水到渠成的事情，讓申請(qǐng)更具說服力。不過，倒數(shù)第二句，解釋“貴學(xué)院為何適合我”時(shí)，就過于簡(jiǎn)單堆砌了，甚至有敷衍之嫌。

綜合簡(jiǎn)評(píng)：

本文最大的亮點(diǎn)是邏輯清晰簡(jiǎn)明、段與段之前的承上啟下講究；其次，作者英文功力深，語(yǔ)言比較地道。但或許與字?jǐn)?shù)限制有關(guān)，介紹自己學(xué)術(shù)背景及實(shí)習(xí)經(jīng)歷的兩段成了菜單式羅列。如何在簡(jiǎn)短的篇幅里最大化地秀出自己，一直是文書寫作的難點(diǎn)。如果實(shí)在沒啥好想法，那么這篇文書倒是個(gè)好榜樣。

Apart from campus learning, I pursue real work environment. I successively interned in Deloitte as an audit associate and Citibank (China) Co., Ltd. as an analyst. From the first job, I savor a role of auditor and solidified my accounting knowledge in two annual audits. Meanwhile, I had a rough understanding of Chinese real estate and new energy power plant. Such as, fora traditional Chinese real estate enterprise, land reserves, amounts of deposits and loans are key parts, while the primary source of a state-owned energy enterprise is loans. While in the latter, by credit evaluation for a SOE, data analysis reports for energy enterprises and industrial analysis report for an automobile company, I became aware of Chinese petroleum, coal, electric power’s production capacity, exports, consumption, and annual expansion, etc., and initially tasted the role of analyst.

Having a realistic grasp of my strengths and weaknesses, I have to facilitate my financial knowledge, comparing with that of accounting. Meanwhile, I want to acquire additional work experience related with PE management. Therefore, it is the right time for me to pursue a graduate education in Finance. Simon, one of the world’s top-tier business schools, is close to the world financial center, therefore, which means various internships and part-time jobs. Meanwhile, your prestigious faculties of financial practitioners and guest speakers and broad financial selective courses and The Financial Management Association can update my knowledge. That’s why Simon attracts me.③

作者回顧本篇文書的得失

這是本人在2010年申請(qǐng)美國(guó)羅徹斯特大學(xué)時(shí)提交的個(gè)人陳述。申請(qǐng)題目比較中規(guī)中矩，是典型的職業(yè)目標(biāo)、學(xué)術(shù)經(jīng)歷及“為什么申請(qǐng)我校”的“三段式”結(jié)構(gòu)，因此，我也按照該順序行文，沒有進(jìn)行結(jié)構(gòu)上的創(chuàng) 新。

文章重點(diǎn)放在第二部分“教育背景/經(jīng)歷”，因?yàn)閹缀跛腥硕疾粫?huì)否認(rèn)“過去的行為是對(duì)一個(gè)人未來行為的推測(cè)”，美國(guó)人當(dāng)然也不例外。這部分最重要的是真實(shí)、具體。

美國(guó)社會(huì)長(zhǎng)期來形成的信用體系讓他們覺得欺騙等同于犯罪，何況近年來，留學(xué)中介、成績(jī)?cè)旒俚痊F(xiàn)象已經(jīng)讓中國(guó)申請(qǐng)者的誠(chéng)信形象大打折扣。并且，我不認(rèn)為一個(gè)大四學(xué)生可以在現(xiàn)場(chǎng)面試中(羅徹斯特大學(xué)要求在美就讀本科的申請(qǐng)者必須現(xiàn)場(chǎng)面試)，能夠在有著十年以上經(jīng)驗(yàn)的面試官對(duì)細(xì)節(jié)的追問中不露出破綻。

關(guān)于“具體”，我覺得和美國(guó)人相比，中國(guó)人的工作、生活相對(duì)同質(zhì)化一些，最好通過一些具體事件體現(xiàn)出uniqueness，讓人印象深刻。這一項(xiàng)我做得不太好。不過，我在文章開頭就明確表現(xiàn)出對(duì)“能源”行業(yè)的興趣，并表達(dá)了進(jìn)入證券公司工作的愿望，一是自身了解得相對(duì)較多，二是該行業(yè)在全球范圍內(nèi)都屬于熱點(diǎn)，占經(jīng)濟(jì)比重也比較大，更重要的是會(huì)使admission officer覺得申請(qǐng)者是一個(gè)目標(biāo)明確的人。

畢竟金融行業(yè)相關(guān)工作浩如煙海，在我后來和一些應(yīng)屆生交談的過程中，發(fā)現(xiàn)很多人對(duì)同屬金融圈的不同“工種”毫無(wú)概念，“投行/券商、商行、基金、保險(xiǎn)、信托、公司財(cái)務(wù)等等都可以，錢多就行”是很多人的想 法。

盡管現(xiàn)實(shí)可能與最初目標(biāo)相距甚遠(yuǎn)，但目標(biāo)和努力方向必須明確，美國(guó)商學(xué)院的老師們認(rèn)為在做出申請(qǐng)研究生的決定之時(shí)，就應(yīng)當(dāng)有較明確的職業(yè)規(guī)劃，否則，金融碩士本身就是對(duì)時(shí)間和金錢的巨大浪費(fèi)。“具體”這一條同樣適用于簡(jiǎn)歷的寫作，且最好有數(shù)字配合，數(shù)字顯然比描述性的詞匯說服力強(qiáng)得多。

當(dāng)然，文中關(guān)于成立私募基金的想法，即使在當(dāng)時(shí)我也認(rèn)為有些不切實(shí)際。不過鑒于自身的體會(huì)和一些前輩的經(jīng)驗(yàn)，我決定這樣寫。第一，我本人的確有創(chuàng)業(yè)的想法，成立私募基金不但和所學(xué)專業(yè)金融息息相關(guān)，而且國(guó)內(nèi)近些年來成功的例子較多，便于面試時(shí)發(fā)揮。

第二，基督教中的新教教派在美國(guó)占主導(dǎo)地位，加上早年間向西部開疆?dāng)U土的歷史，使得民眾崇尚個(gè)人自由以及企業(yè)家精神，這樣的想法容易獲得認(rèn)同感；

第三，如果按照不少金融專業(yè)學(xué)生的真實(shí)想法，寫畢業(yè)后努力進(jìn)入國(guó)際一流投行，根據(jù)“analyst->associate->VP->Associate Director->Director->Managing Director”的常規(guī)路線一步步晉升，過于單調(diào)，缺乏新 意。

此外，我在文中并不避諱地提到畢業(yè)后回國(guó)的打算，關(guān)于這一點(diǎn)，我認(rèn)為學(xué)校的態(tài)度是基本中立的：我校在開學(xué)時(shí)，就為此給全體海外學(xué)生發(fā)放調(diào)查問卷，問卷包括“傾向于長(zhǎng)期定居美國(guó)”“會(huì)在美國(guó)工作一段時(shí)間”“傾向于直接回國(guó)”或“沒想好”四個(gè)選項(xiàng)，也可以寫一段話概括自己的想法，學(xué)校的Career Management Center會(huì)據(jù)此制定相關(guān)策略。畢竟admission officer不是簽證面試官，想法真實(shí)、合理即 可。

憑借這篇文章及面試時(shí)的不錯(cuò)發(fā)揮，我于當(dāng)年12月就拿到了該校的offer以及1萬(wàn)美元獎(jiǎng)學(xué)金。當(dāng)然，面試和簡(jiǎn)歷及個(gè)人陳述的一致性是很重要的，盡管近兩年國(guó)內(nèi)申請(qǐng)者激增，面試官們?nèi)匀槐３种麄儑?yán)謹(jǐn)?shù)膽B(tài)度，面對(duì)面試官對(duì)簡(jiǎn)歷或個(gè)人陳述中微小細(xì)節(jié)的提問不知所措可不是什么好事兒。

和美國(guó)人相比，中國(guó)人的工作、生活相對(duì)同質(zhì)化一些，最好通過一些具體事件體現(xiàn)出uniqueness，讓人印象深刻。