有一種痛，叫獨生子女的痛

By+Claire+Handscombe

身為獨生子女，好處可謂一目了然：有專屬于自己的東西，可以獨享父母的關愛，沒有人跟你爭搶。但與有兄弟姐妹的人比起來，獨生子女的生活中還是缺少了諸多寶貴的東西，比如，分享和分擔。下文就讓我們來讀讀一位獨生女的自白，體會一下她對擁有兄弟姐妹的渴望。

身為獨生子女，好處可謂一目了然：有專屬于自己的東西，可以獨享父母的關愛，沒有人跟你爭搶。但與有兄弟姐妹的人比起來，獨生子女的生活中還是缺少了諸多寶貴的東西，比如，分享和分擔。下文就讓我們來讀讀一位獨生女的自白，體會一下她對擁有兄弟姐妹的渴望。

My mother is one of eight siblings and she tells me sometimes that I should be grateful for being an only child. Usually， when she says this， its because of the latest eye-rolling family drama. But to say this is to misunderstand me so profoundly it makes me want to cry.

I have my guesses as to why I never had a sibling， though my mother and I have never discussed it. It could be that it wasnt a choice for her， as it isnt for many others： emotionally， medically， financially， for any number of reasons， sometimes it just isnt possible to have more than one child. But if you can， I believe that giving your son or daughter a sibling is one of the most loving things you can do for them.

Dont get me wrong； growing up as an only child wasnt all bad. My books were never torn by a sticky-fingered toddler. When my father passed away more recently， I inherited a significant sum that I had to share with nobody except the taxman. But I would have traded all of this in an instant—would still trade it now—for having grown up with a sibling.

For not having had to roam on the beach during our yearly visits to the South of France until I found a girl roughly my age of whom I could beg， “Want to play with me？”

For not having had to set up Monopoly games1） and then play two peoples turns myself.

For sharing the burden of expectation with someone， so that my mother could say， “Well， I dont know exactly what Claire thinks she is doing with this writing thing， but David， Davids a doctor. Stephanie has been promoted to head of her department.”

For sharing， too， the burden of care， as I think about my aging mother and stepfather across an ocean.

For having learned to better take teasing， to exchange apologies， to accept conflict as an inevitable part of life， and learn strategies for dealing with it. “Say sorry to each other，” my friends parents told her and me one summer after one of us had pushed the other down the slide and a fight had ensued. “Say sorry to God. Now say I love you. Now hug each other.” It struck me later that they must have been used to—even sick of—saying this to her and her sister. For me it was a single teachable moment that stands out in my childhood for its novelty， for its uniqueness.

Writing pages and pages in my journal after we moved from Belgium to England， I would imagine myself instead lying on my side， elbow propping me up， whispering to my sister. “Can you believe these people？” I would say to her after a rough day at my new school. “Can you believe they think Belgium is a part of Germany？”

Its easy， of course， to idealize nonexistent siblings. I could just as easily have had a brother who beat me up or a sister who ignored me， a sibling of either gender who outshone me or who needed my parents more than I did. But even if I had—even if Id been just as lonely or had different emotional issues to deal with as a child—I believe that growing up with siblings teaches children lessons that I never learned， that I would be infinitely better off for having internalized2） early.

I cant read except in total silence. I cant share things—books especially—without my whole self-cringing3）. And people？ Forget about sharing people. Embarrassingly， I still ache for best friends， for people who belong exclusively to me. My heart still pangs when someone Im close to seems to care a little too much about someone else， because I didnt learn in childhood that a person can love someone besides me， without it diminishing their love for me.

My mother believed in doing things herself. The washing， the ironing. The cooking， the baking. She believed in giving me the space4）， instead， to practice my flute and do my homework. Thats a laudable instinct—but in the long-term， it has not served me well. My practical skills are nonexistent， shockingly so. If shed had more than one child， would she have caved to the pressure of the sheer amount of work？ Made us take on some of it？ Taught us how to look after ourselves better？

Ill never know， just as Ill never know what happened to the girls I met in the South of France， the girls with whom I built sandcastles and swam in the sea and exchanged letters between summers， the girls whom I imagined to be something like sisters， and yet， in the end， faded from my life， as people with whom we do not share blood are wont5） to do.

我的母親有七個兄弟姐妹。她有時會跟我說我應該心存感激，慶幸自己是獨生子女。通常，她這么說，是因為目睹了最近讓人側目的戲劇性家事。但她這樣說真是太不理解我了，讓我想哭。

雖然從來沒有和母親討論過為什么我沒有兄弟姐妹這個問題，但我有自己的猜測?；蛟S她是身不由己，正如很多人一樣：情感上的、健康上的、經濟上的，任何原因有時都會導致不太可能多生孩子。但是，如果條件允許的話，給你的兒子或女兒一個弟弟或妹妹，我相信這是你可以對他們做的最有愛的一件事。

不要誤解我；作為獨生子女長大也不是全無好處。我的書永遠不會被隨手拿別人東西的一兩歲小屁孩撕壞。我父親剛去世不久，我繼承了一大筆財產，除了稅務部門，沒人跟我分這筆財產。但我當時——現在也是——寧愿立刻用這筆錢來換和弟弟或妹妹一起成長的體驗。

這樣我每年去法國南部游玩時，就不用在海灘上獨自徘徊，直到發現一個和我年紀相仿的女孩，乞求她：“可以和我玩嗎？”

這樣我就不用擺好大富翁棋牌后，一個人假扮兩個人輪流來玩。

這樣就可以有人分擔我所肩負的期望。媽媽就會說：“好吧，我不是很清楚克萊爾怎么想的，要搞什么寫作。但是我很清楚大衛，他是個醫生。斯蒂芬妮已經提升為部門領導了。”

這樣也就可以有人和我分擔贍養的負擔，我是在念及在大洋彼岸逐漸年老的母親和繼父時想到這一點的。

這樣我可以學會更好應對別人的取笑，學會相互道歉，學會接受矛盾，把矛盾作為生活中不可避免的一部分，并學習處理矛盾的策略?！盎ハ嗾f對不起。現在對上帝說對不起。現在說我愛你?，F在擁抱對方?！蹦莻€夏天，當我和朋友不知誰把對方推下了滑梯，然后大打了一架后，她的父母這樣要求我們。后來我突然意識到，朋友的父母肯定已經習慣甚至厭煩跟她和她的妹妹說這些了。但是對我來說，這曾是我唯一受教的時刻，是我童年里閃耀的一刻，因為它是新奇的，它是唯一的。

從比利時搬到英國后，我一頁一頁地寫著日志時，會幻想自己側躺著，用胳膊肘撐起上身，和妹妹說著悄悄話?！澳阒肋@些人嗎？他們竟然認為比利時是德國的一部分，你敢相信嗎？”在新學校度過辛苦的一天后，我會這樣跟她聊天。

當然，把根本不存在的兄弟姐妹理想化是很容易的。我很可能只是有個會痛打我的哥哥或一個無視我的姐姐，一個更優秀或是更需要父母關注的兄弟或姐妹。但即使我有這樣的兄弟姐妹，即使我會一樣孤獨或年幼時面臨不同的情感問題，我仍然相信和兄弟姐妹們一起成長會教會孩子那些我從未學到過的道理，我相信早年將這些道理內化為我意識的一部分肯定會讓我過得更好。

如果不是在完全安靜的環境下，我就無法讀書。我無法心甘情愿地和別人分享東西，尤其是書。那么人呢？別提分享人了。讓我尷尬的是，我仍舊渴望有最好的朋友，渴望有專屬于我的人。我親密的人只要對除我之外的人稍微多一點點關心，我就會感到心痛，因為我在童年時光里沒有學習到，除了我之外，他們也可以愛其他人，同時不減少對我的愛。

我母親信奉萬事自己動手，不論是洗衣服、熨衣服還是烹飪、烘焙。但她不讓我自己動手做事，而是相信應該給我時間，讓我練長笛、做作業。這是種值得贊美的本能——但從長遠來看，這對我并無益處。我的動手能力弱到驚人的程度。如果她有不止一個孩子，她會不會屈服于過多的家務壓力？會不會讓我們分擔一些？會不會教我們如何更好地照顧自己？

我永遠都不會知道答案，正如我永遠不會知道我在法國南部遇到的那些女孩后來怎樣了，那些和我一起堆沙子城堡、一起暢游大海、暑假結束后相互通信的女孩。我曾把她們想象成像姐妹一樣的存在，但最終她們還是淡出了我的生活，就像那些和我們沒有血緣關系的人一樣，往往成為過客。

痛

1. Monopoly game：大富翁游戲，是一種多人策略圖版游戲。參賽者分得游戲金錢，憑運氣及交易策略，買地、建樓以賺取租金。

New Oriental English .

New Oriental English .

New Oriental English .

2. internalize [?n?t??n?la?z] vt. 使（想法、態度、

信仰等）成為性格的一部分，使內化

3. cringe [kr?nd?] v. 感到難堪，覺得難為情

4. space [spe?s] n. （一段）時間，期間

5. wont [w??nt] adj. 習慣于，慣常于