自我的消融

By+Jules+Evans

You dont need drugs or a church for an ecstatic1 experience that helps transcend the self and connect to something bigger…

In 1969， the British writer Philip Pullman was walking down the Charing Cross Road2 in London， when his consciousness abruptly shifted. He had a deep sense that the Universe is “alive， conscious and full of purpose”. He says： “Everything Ive written has been an attempt to bear witness to the truth of that statement”.

What does one call such an experience？ Pullman refers to it as “transcendent”. The philosopher and psychologist William James called them “religious experiences”—although Pullman， who wrote a fictionalised biography of Jesus， would insist that God was not involved. Other psychologists call such moments spiritual， mystical， anomalous3 or out-of-the-ordinary. My preferred term is“ecstatic”. Today， we think of ecstasy as meaning the drug MDMA or the state of being “very happy”， but originally it meant ekstasis—a moment when you stand outside your ordinary self， and feel a connection to something bigger than you.4 Such moments can be euphoric5， but also terrifying.

In most cultures， ecstasy is a connection to the spirit world. In our culture， since the 17th century， if you suggest youre connected to the spirit world， youre likely to be considered ignorant， eccentric or unwell. Ecstasy has been labelled as various mental disorders： enthusiasm， hysteria， psychosis6. Its been condemned as a threat to secular7 government. Weve become a more controlled， regulated and disciplinarian society， in which ones standing as a good citizen relies on ones ability to control ones emotions， be polite， and do ones job. The autonomous8 self has become our highest ideal， and the idea of surrendering the self is seen as dangerous.

Yet ecstatic experiences are surprisingly common， we just dont talk about them. The most common word used when describing such experiences is “connection”—we briefly shift beyond our separate self-absorbed egos， and feel deeply connected to other beings， or to all things. Some interpret these moments as an encounter with the divine9， but not all do. The philosopher Bertrand Russell10， for example， also had a “mystic moment”when he suddenly felt filled with love for people on a London street. The experience didnt turn him into a Christian， but it did turn him into a life-long pacifist11.

I became interested in ecstatic experiences when I was 24 and had a near-death experience. I fell off a mountain while skiing， dropped 30 feet， and broke my leg and back. As I lay there， I felt immersed in love and light. Id been suffering from emotional problems for six years， and feared my ego was permanently damaged. In that moment， I knew that I was OK， I was loved， that there was something in me that could not be damaged， call it ‘the soul， “the self”， “pure consciousness” or what-haveyou12. The experience was hugely healing. But was it just luck， or grace？ Can one seek ecstasy？endprint

Pullman thinks not. He says： “Seeking this sort of thing doesnt work. It is far too self-centred. Things like my experience are by-products， not goals. To make them the aim of your life is an act of monumental13 and self-deceiving egotism.”

I disagree. It seems to me that humans have always sought ecstasy. The earliest human artefacts—the cave paintings of Lascaux—are records of Homo sapiens attempt to get out of our heads.14 We have always sought ways to “unself”， because the ego is an anxious， claustrophobic15， lonely and boring place to be stuck. As the author Aldous Huxley16 wrote， humans have “a deep-seated urge to selftranscendence”. However， we can get out of our ordinary selves in good and bad ways—what Huxley called “healthy and toxic transcendence”.

How can we seek ecstasy in a healthy way？ In its most common-garden variety， we can seek what the psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi called “flow”.17 By this he meant moments where we become so absorbed in an activity that we forget ourselves and lose track of time. We could lose ourselves in a good book， for example， or a computer game. Others shift their consciousness by going for a walk in nature， where they find what the poet William Wordsworth18 called “the quiet stream of self-forgetfulness”. Or we turn to sex， which the feminist Susan Sontag19 called the “oldest resource which human beings have available to them for blowing their mind”.

And then there are the deeper moments of egoloss that one might term a “mystical experience”. Can we seek them？ Certainly. Thats what humans have been doing for hundreds of thousands of years， through various ecstatic techniques such as strenuous dancing， chanting， fasting， self-inflicted pain，20 or sensory deprivation.

One way in which humans have traditionally sought ego-transcendence is through contemplation. Western culture abandoned its own contemplative traditions during the Reformation and Counter-Reformation， but in the past 50 years Eastern contemplative practices have flooded in to fill the vacuum.21 Around 9 per cent of adult Amerians meditate， and 15 per cent practise yoga.

Psychologists and psychiatrists are moving from their traditional hostility to ecstasy to an understanding that its often good for us. Much of our personality is made up of attitudes that are usually subconscious. We drag around buried trauma， guilt， feelings of low selfworth. In moments of ecstasy， the threshold of consciousness is lowered， people encounter these subconscious attitudes， and are able to step outside of them. They can feel a deep sense of love for themselves and others， which can heal them at a deep level. Maybe this is just an opening to the subconscious， maybe its a connection to a higher dimension of spirit—we dont know.endprint

1969年的一天，英國作家菲利普·普爾曼正走在倫敦查令十字街上，突然他的意識發生了轉換，他強烈地感覺到整個宇宙“有活力、有意識、充滿意義”。他說：“我的寫作，都是為了闡明這一觀點的正確性。”

該如何稱呼這樣的體驗呢？普爾曼稱其為“超驗”。哲學家和心理學家威廉姆·詹姆斯稱其為“宗教體驗”——盡管普爾曼寫過一部虛構的耶穌自傳，卻不認為此事和上帝有關。其他心理學家形容這樣的時刻是靈性的、神秘的、破格的或者非同尋常的。我更傾向稱其為“極樂狀態”。今天，我們認為“極樂狀態”是指吃了搖頭丸后或者“非常高興”的狀態，其實最初它的意思是“魂游象外”——超出了普通的自我，感到與更高的存在產生聯結。這樣的時刻是欣快的，但也著實嚇人。

在大多數文化中，“極樂體驗”能通往靈性世界。在西方文化里，自17世紀以來，如果有人自稱與靈性世界聯結了，那么此人一定會被視為無知、古怪或不正常。“極樂體驗”被貼上各種精神紊亂的標簽：狂熱、歇斯底里、精神錯亂，還被認為是對現世政府的威脅。這是一個掌控有度，循規蹈矩的社會，而好公民需要控制自己的情緒，禮貌待人，干好本職工作。有自控力的自我是我們追求的最高理想，而放棄自己的意志則被認為是危險的念頭。

令人吃驚的是，“極樂體驗”是普遍現象，只是大家都對此緘默不語。形容這種感覺使用頻率最高的詞是“聯結”——剎那間，我們超越了自我，與其他事物，甚至是萬物，產生深刻的聯結。一些人將這樣的時刻稱之為與神的相遇，有的人則認為并非如此。比如，哲學家伯特蘭·羅素就經歷了這樣的“神秘時刻”，在某一瞬間，他的心中對倫敦街頭的路人充滿了愛。雖然這一經歷沒有讓他成為一名基督徒，卻使他終生追求和平主義。

24歲時我對“極樂體驗”產生了興趣，這始于我的一次瀕死體驗。我在滑雪時從30英尺（約9米）的高處跌落，摔斷了腿和背。我躺在地上，卻感覺自己沐浴在愛的光芒中。此前，我飽受情緒問題折磨已有六年之久，擔心自己的人格受到永久損傷。在那一刻，我知道自己并無大礙，感覺自己得到上蒼的恩澤眷顧，感到內心深處有股堅不可摧的力量，可以將它稱為“靈魂”、“自我”或者“純粹的意識”等等。這次經歷似一劑良藥，極大治愈了我。那么，這種經歷是運氣使然，抑或是上天的恩典？人可以刻意追求“極樂”嗎？

對此，普爾曼持否定意見。他說：“刻意尋找這類體驗是徒勞無用的，因為這樣做過于以自我為中心。我的‘極樂體驗只是無心插柳的結果，而非人生的終極目標。將它設立為人生目標是自欺欺人的極度自我主義。”

我卻不這么看。我認為，人類一直以來都在尋找這種體驗。拉斯科洞窟壁畫是已知最早的文物，它向后人展示了智人如何試圖達到忘我境界。我們總是試圖“消除自我”，因為把自己禁錮在自我這個幽閉、孤寂的地方，實在是件讓人焦慮、無趣的事情。阿道司·赫胥黎寫道：人類“渴望超越自我的想法根深蒂固”。然而，要達到這一境界，我們可經由好、壞兩條途經，赫胥黎稱之為“康莊大道與歪門邪道”。

那么，我們如何正確地尋求“極樂體驗”呢？最尋常的一種莫過于“心流”，這是由心理學家米哈里·齊克森提出的理念。“心流”是指我們在從事一項活動時，進入完全的忘我境界，忘卻了時間的流逝。讀一本好書或玩電腦游戲入迷就是很好的例子。有的人則在大自然中散步時體會到這種感覺，正如詩人威廉·華茲華斯在詩中形容的“寧靜地徜徉在忘我的長河中”。或者索性轉向“性”，女權主義者蘇珊·桑塔格稱它為“最原始的、讓人類忘我的體驗”。

比之更深層次的忘我境界是“神秘體驗”。這種體驗可以尋得嗎？當然可以。這正是人類幾十萬年來所追求的，通過激烈的舞蹈、誦經、節食、自殘或感覺剝奪等各種獲得“極樂”的方法，來達到這種狀態。

冥想是達到超越自我的另一種傳統的方法。在宗教改革和反宗教改革的進程中，西方文化拋棄了固有的冥想傳統。但在過去50年間，東方冥想術涌入西方，填補了這一空缺。約9%的美國成年人選擇冥想，15%的人練習瑜伽。

心理學家和精神病醫生對“極樂體驗”的看法，從傳統的敵視轉為理解，認為這是一種有益的經歷。我們的性格大多是由潛意識中的觀念組成的。我們掩飾內心的創傷、內疚和自卑，但又為之困頓不已。在“極樂時刻”，當意識的臨界點降低后，人們發現了潛意識里的觀念，于是擺脫束縛，走出困頓。他們能感受到對自己及他人深深的愛，使他們得到深層次的療愈。或許“極樂體驗”只是我們與潛意識的初遇，或許它是與精神更高層面的一種聯結——我們無從得知。endprint