40年之癢

當我寫一本有關經過長久婚姻，卻最終離婚的夫妻的書時，發現法國有一句古老的話非常有用:“我沒有拿蠟燭(所以看不清)。”意思就是我不知道他們夫妻間發生的事，又怎么知道他們為什么離婚呢?

這并沒有停止人們對美國前副總統戈爾和妻子蒂珀這對行為舉止一向優雅穩重的夫婦的猜測，他們對結束他們40年婚姻的理由守口如瓶。公眾對此事的反應遵循著一種模式，開始是震驚和不相信:“他們就像一對理想的夫妻，在一起是那么完美。”接下來是憤怒:“難道一切都是演戲嗎，包括他們在民主黨大會上的那次公開熱吻?”最后是擔心:“是不是所有的婚姻都注定凋謝死亡，我的婚姻也會這樣嗎?”

離婚律師告訴我，他們客戶中增長最快的人群是中年人和老年人。離婚的原因大多并不是丈夫另覓新歡，妻子獨守空門孤寂凄涼。美國退休者協會2004年對1147名60來歲離婚者的一項調查發現，晚年女性提出離婚的常常多于男性。

為了寫書，我采訪了126個男人和184個女人，他們均在結婚20至60多年后離婚。最令我吃驚的，是他們在拋棄所謂婚姻帶來的安全感時所表現的勇氣。對他們來說，離婚并不意味著失敗或恥辱，而是意味著機會。

婚姻中的雙方都在改變，但他們卻常忘記交流，以至于很多夫妻意識到該離婚時，都會“啊”的表示驚訝。無論他們的生活多么舒服，他們的家是多么可愛，他們的孩子多么優秀，他們就是無法與眼前這個一成不變的人繼續一成不變地生活下去。

我采訪過的男人和女人都堅稱他們離婚并不是荒唐或一時沖動，他們中的大多提到了“自由”一詞。人們在他們自己的余生想要自由。女人越來越厭倦照顧家庭、丈夫和長大的孩子;男人也厭倦了為不感激他們的妻子和不尊敬他們的孩子而工作。女人和男人都需要時間來發現自我。

當夫妻一方想要退休時，另一方也許想要繼續工作，這時常常會出現情感上的空虛。當一方抱怨伴侶“不理解我，不知道我的存在”時，另一方還完全蒙在鼓里:“我認為一切順利，我們從不爭吵，從不打架。”

許多婚姻都以這樣的理由結束:“是該離婚的時候了，如果現在不離的話，就永遠離不了了。”不管是他們花費幾年時間做離婚的準備，還是在一次平常得不能再平常的小爭論后突然決定離婚，幾乎很少有人后悔。想找一個新伴侶的男人會很容易找到，想找新伴侶的女人也會在兩年內找到。

現在，離婚容易多了。我們退休后的歲月更長，身體也更加健康。男人和女人都有足夠的財力來改變自己的生活，離婚的污名也早已消失。一個世紀以前，伊麗莎白·卡迪·斯坦頓還把離婚稱之為“社會大地震”。但是，幾十年以后，瑪格麗特·邁德認為，每個女人需要3個丈夫:一個在年輕時滿足欲望，一個在撫養子女時提供保障，一個在老年時愉快地相伴。英國小說家瑪格麗特·德拉布爾把離婚后的生活稱為“(兒童時期和工作時期以后的)第三年齡”。她的小說《七姐妹》中的主人公說:“我們的依賴性已經消失或成熟，不管好壞，我們自由了。”

所以，我們也不必為戈爾夫婦婚姻結束覺得吃驚或悲傷。相反，讓我們祝愿他們，希望他們各自能愉快平安地享受他們的“第三年齡”。

The 40-Year Itch

By DEIRDRE BAIR

THERE誗 an old French expression I found useful when I wrote a book about couples who divorced after long marriages:“I wasn誸 holding the candle.”It means that I couldn誸 know what happened between the two people in a marriage， so how could I possibly know why they split?

That hasn誸 stopped speculation about Al and Tipper Gore， who are behaving with grace and dignity as they keep to themselves their reasons for ending 40 years of marriage. Public reaction has followed a pattern， beginning with shock and disbelief:“They seemed like the ideal couple， so perfect together.”Outrage came next:“Was it all a sham， especially that kiss on the convention stage?”And finally fear:“Are all marriages doomed to wither and die — and will mine be among them?”

Divorce lawyers tell me the fastest-growing segment of their clientele is the middle-aged and elderly. And their divorces do not all that often involve husbands running off with someone new，leaving wives alone and bereft. A 2004 AARP survey of 1，147 people who divorced in their 60s found that women initiated late-life divorces more often than men did.

For my book， I interviewed 126 men and 184 women who divorced after being married 20 to 60-plus years. And what surprised me most was the courage they showed as they left the supposed security of marriage. To them， divorce meant not failure and shame，but opportunity.

People change and forget to tell each other. Still， many couples seem to have an“aha!”moment when they realize that it誷 time to split up. No matter how comfortably situated they are， how lovely their home and successful their children， they divorce because they cannot go on living in the same old rut with the same old person.

Men and women I interviewed insisted they did not divorce foolishly or impulsively. Most of them mentioned“freedom”.People wanted it for themselves for the rest of their lives. Women had grown tired of taking care of house， husband and grown children; men were tired of working to support wives who they felt did not appreciate them and children who did not respect them. Women and men alike wanted time to find out who they were.

One spouse might have wanted to keep working while the other wanted to retire. Often， there was an emotional void; one would say that the other“doesn誸 see me， doesn誸 know who I am，”while the other hadn誸 a clue:“I thought everything was just fine; we never argued， we don誸 fight.”

Many stories ended with some rendition of，“It誷 my time and if I don誸 take it now， I never will.”No matter whether they had spent years gearing up for divorce or decided on the spur of the moment after one minor disagreement too many， few had regrets. Men who wanted new companionship easily found it， and women who wanted new partners had them within two years.

Divorce is easier now. Our retirement years are longer and healthier. Both men and women often have enough money to make changes. And the stigma of divorce has long since faded. A century ago， Elizabeth Cady Stanton called it a “social earthquake”.But several decades later， Margaret Mead thought every woman needed three husbands: one for youthful sex， one for security while raising children and one for joyful companionship in old age. Margaret Drabble， the British novelist， calls life after divorce“the third age”.The heroine of her novel “The Seven Sisters”says，“Our dependents have died or matured. For good and ill， we are free.”

So let us not feel shocked or sad about the end of Al and Tipper Gore’s marriage. Let us instead wish them well， and hope that they might enjoy their third age， individually and in peace.

[譯自美國《紐約時報》]