中年良藥

By Alison Gopnik

In 2006， I was 50—and I was falling apart.

Until then， I had always known exactly who I was： an exceptionally fortunate and happy woman， full of irrational exuberance2 and everyday joy.

I knew who I was professionally. When I was 16， Id discovered cognitive science and analytic philosophy3， and knew at once that I wanted the tough-minded， rigorous， intellectual life they could offer me. Id gotten my doctorate at 25 and had gone on to become a professor of psychology and philosophy at UC Berkeley.4

More than anything， though， I was a mother. Id had a son at 23， and then two more in the years that followed. For me， raising children had been the most intellectually interesting and morally profound of experiences， and the happiest. Id had a long marriage， with a good man who was as involved with our children as I was. Our youngest son was on his way to college.

Id been able to combine these different roles， another piece of good fortune. My lifes work had been to demonstrate the scientific and philosophical importance of children， and I kept a playpen in my office long after my children had outgrown it.5 Children had been the center of my life and my work—the foundation of my identity.

And then， suddenly， I had no idea who I was at all. My children had grown up， my marriage had unraveled6， and I decided to leave. I moved out of the big， professorial home where I had raised my children， and rented a room in a crumbling old house.7 I was living alone for the first time， full of guilt and anxiety， hope and excitement.

I fell in love and we talked about starting a new life together. And then he vanished. Grief took its place.8 Id chosen my new room for its faded grandeur： blackoak beams and paneling， a sooty brick fireplace in lieu of central heating.9 But I hadnt realized just how dark and cold the room would be during the rainy Northern California winter. I forced myself to eat the way I had once coaxed10 my children （“just three more bites”）， but I still lost 20 pounds in two months. I measured each day by how many hours had gone by since the last crying jag.11

I couldnt work. The dissolution of my own family made the very thought of children unbearable.12 I had signed a contract to write a book on the philosophy of childhood， but I couldnt pass a playground without tears， let alone13 design an experiment for 3-year-olds or write about the moral significance of parental love.

Everything that had defined me was gone. I was no longer a scientist or a philosopher or a wife or a mother or a lover.

My doctors prescribed Prozac， yoga， and meditation.14 I hated Prozac. I was terrible at yoga. But meditation seemed to help， and it was interesting， at least. In fact， researching meditation seemed to help as much as actually doing it. Where did it come from？ Why did it work？

I had always been curious about Buddhism， although， as a committed atheist，15 I was suspicious of anything religious. And turning 50 now and Buddhist did seem far too predictable. But still， I began to read Buddhist philosophy.

In 1734， in Scotland， a 23-year-old was falling apart.

As a teenager， hed thought he had glimpsed16 a new way of thinking and living， and ever since， hed been trying to work it out and convey it to others in a great book. The effort was literally driving him mad. His heart raced and his stomach churned17. He couldnt concentrate. Most of all， he just couldnt get himself to write his book. His doctors diagnosed vapors， weak spirits， and “the Disease of the Learned.”18 Today we would say he was suffering from anxiety and depression.

The young mans name was David Hume19. Somehow， during the next three years， he managed not only to recover but also， remarkably， to write his book. Even more remarkably， it turned out to be one of the greatest books in the history of philosophy： A Treatise of Human Nature20.

In his Treatise， Hume rejected the traditional religious and philosophical accounts of human nature. Instead， he took Newton as a model and announced a new science of the mind， based on observation and experiment. That new science led him to radical new conclusions. He argued that there was no soul， no coherent21 self， no “I.”

Hume had always been one of my heroes. I had known and loved his work since I was an undergraduate.

Heres Humes really great idea： Ultimately， the metaphysical22 foundations dont matter. Experience is enough all by itself. In fact， if you let yourself think this way， your life might actually get better. Give up the prospect of life after death， and you will finally really appreciate life before it.23 Give up the idea of your precious， unique， irreplaceable self， and you might actually be more sympathetic to other people.

How did Hume come up with these ideas， so profoundly at odds with24 the Western philosophy and religion of his day？

As I read， I kept finding parallels. The Buddha doubted the existence of an omnipotent， benevolent God.25 In his doctrine of“emptiness，” he suggested that we have no real evidence for the existence of the outside world. He said that our sense of self is an illusion26， too.

I settled into a new routine. Instead of going to therapy， I haunted the theology sections of used-book stores and spent the solitary evenings reading.27 I would sit in front of my grand fireplace， where a single sawdust log smoldered， wrapped in several duvets， and learn more about Buddhism.28

1. midlife crisis： 中年危機。

2. exuberance： // 精力充沛，熱情洋溢。

3. analytic philosophy： 分析哲學，一種哲學傳統，偏重觀念的邏輯分析和對表達觀念的語言的研究。

4. doctorate： 博士學位；UC Berkeley：加州大學伯克利分校（University of California， Berkeley），位于美國舊金山灣區伯克利市，是世界著名公立研究型大學，在學術界享有盛譽。

5. 我一生的事業就是論證孩子在科學上及哲學上的重要性。我的辦公室內還保留著游戲圍欄，盡管我的孩子們早就長大了不玩這個了。playpen： 供嬰孩在內爬著玩的攜帶式游戲圍欄。

6. unravel： 解散。

7. professorial： 教授似的；crumbling：搖搖欲墜的。

8. 悲傷淹沒了我。

9. 我選了一個新的房間，因為它有一種過時的氣派：黑橡木的房梁和鑲板，替代中央暖氣的滿是煙塵的磚砌壁爐。grandeur： 宏偉壯麗；black-oak： 黑橡木；beam： 房梁；paneling： 用于裝飾墻壁、天花板等的鑲板、嵌板；sooty： 煙塵覆蓋的，滿是煤煙的；fireplace： 壁爐；in lieu of：代替。

10. coax： 哄騙。

11. 自從上次大哭一場后，我每天都以小時為單位，艱難度日。crying jag： 大哭一場。

12. 家庭的分裂讓我一想到孩子就難過得受不了。dissolution： 瓦解，分裂。

13. let alone： 更別提，更不用說。

14. 我的醫生給我開了百憂解，又向我推薦了瑜伽和冥想的療法。Prozac： 百憂解，一種治愈精神抑郁的藥物；meditation：冥想。

15. committed： 堅定的；atheist： 無神論者。

16. glimpse： 開始領悟，開始認識到。

17. churn： 因緊張或驚慌而反胃。

18. 醫生診斷他患有憂郁病，精神萎靡，以及“學究病”。vapor： 發自人體內對健康有害的郁氣，憂郁病。

19. David Hume： 大衛·休謨（1711—1776），蘇格蘭不可知論哲學家、經濟學家、歷史學家，被視為蘇格蘭啟蒙運動以及西方哲學史中最重要的人物之一，其著作包括《人性論》、《英國史》、《自然宗教對話錄》和《人類理解研究》等。

20. A Treatise of Human Nature：

《人性論》，大衛·休謨最重要的一部哲學著作，說明了人性科學的價值和重要意義。1739年后分卷出版，全書共三卷：《論知性》、《論情感》和《論道德》。

21. coherent： 始終一致的。

22. metaphysical： 形而上學的，玄學的。

23. 不寄希望于來世，才能好好享受今生。

24. at odds with： 與？？不一致的，相矛盾的。

25. 佛陀質疑一個全能、仁慈的上帝的存在。Buddha： 佛陀，佛教徒對佛教創始人釋迦牟尼的尊稱；omnipotent： 全能的；benevolent： 仁慈的。

26. illusion： 幻覺。

27. 我不再接受治療，而是流連于舊書店的神學區，在獨處的夜晚潛心閱讀。haunt： 常到，常去；theology： 神學；solitary： 獨處的。

28. 我會坐在大壁爐前，壁爐里一根木屑芯的原木慢慢燃燒。我會裹著幾床羽絨被，繼續研究佛教。sawdust： 木屑填塞的，木屑芯的；log： 原木；smolder：無明火地陰燃，悶燃；duvet：羽絨被。