我聰明，她漂亮

My sister is a bombshell1）.

She’s got long blond hair and curves and when she walks into a room， men act like a literal bomb’s gone off. One time， our mom scolded me by asking， “You know how Tina Fey2） is beautiful when she’s Tina Fey and not as beautiful when she’s Liz Lemon3）？ Why do you insist on Liz Lemon-ing yourself？” Direct quote.

Because we’re so different， my sister’s beauty has always been a game to me. I tell someone I’ve just met about my tall， blond little sister and when they don’t believe me I pull up a photo of her on Facebook. “Isn’t it funny？” I say. “She looks like Barbie.” In the particular picture I usually use for this joke， she’s wearing a skintight sequin4） purple mini-dress， her back arched so her long bright hair cascades down her back， her tan evident， her teeth spotlessly white.

The reaction from new friends is almost always a stunned look at my phone and then back up to me. How is it possible that someone who looks like that could be sisters with someone who looks like me？

“This explains your entire personality，” my friend Kevin told me， handing me back my phone after flipping through my sister’s profile pictures.

Growing up with the perception that I was “the un-pretty sister，” I assumed I was therefore “ugly，” which by conventional standards isn’t true. But I closed myself off and buried my head in books. I never got invites to slumber parties5）. Whenever a boy would express interest， I’d ignore it， believing him to be joking or delusional6）. How could someone ever be attracted to me when she existed？

All our lives， family friends and strangers and anyone who came across us both， would say almost the same exact compliment， “You’re so pretty，” they’d tell her and then turn to me， “And you’re so smart.”

A couple months ago， our grandfather passed away and I came home to South Florida from New York City for the first time in a year. I hadn’t seen my sister in some time； she’d barely graduated from high school and then spent six months doing who-knows-what in Los Angeles before my parents called her home. Meanwhile， I’d graduated from a four-year college and had a job in writing.

My sister and I have always gotten along despite our differences and the funeral allowed us to spend some time together. Both of us were now “adults” and she had just started attending community college in Tallahassee.

Bored， we drove to the local mall to walk around. She bought a pair of Ray Ban7） sunglasses and talked me into an under-eye concealer8） I never would have spent money on otherwise. On the way home， the car grew silent. I thanked her for the makeup recommendation and she shrugged.

“That’s the only kind of thing I really know about，” she’d said.

“Sure，” I replied. “You know how to do all the right things to be beautiful.”

I meant the remark to be casual but suddenly， she was angry. “Well， I don’t have anything else going for9） me like you do！”

Like I do？！ I thought. What could someone who looks like her possibly think I have？？

Throughout high school， she’d been a Queen Bee10）， while I’d been teased mercilessly. Why was she now showing signs that she felt less-than？ I hadn’t been around during her post-high school year of confusion， but I realized it must have caused some damage.

You see， while I was hearing “You’re so smart， and not pretty，” I realized that she was hearing， “You’re so pretty， and not smart.” The “compliment” had taken its toll on11） both of us—just in different， equally detrimental ways. It implied to her that because she was good-looking， she had to also be stupid and it implied to me that because I was smart， I could not also be pretty. Growing up， I stewed12） in my jealousy of her， ignorant that all the while， she was also jealous of me.

In the car， I pressed her on what she meant and she admitted she’d gone to LA to escape what she thought to be the inevitable truth of her stupidity： Why apply herself in school or attempt to attend college when getting rejected would validate everything she already felt about her intelligence？ Better to never try， she told me， than to try and fail.

Meanwhile， on the opposite coast， hadn’t I been doing the exact same thing？ While everything in my professional life validated my intellect， I couldn’t get close to people on an emotional level. I couldn’t have a real relationship that wasn’t cuddling13） with my Macbook. I couldn’t trust friends. Why try， I reasoned， when I clearly wasn’t pretty enough for anyone to love？

My whole life I’d believed myself to be the victimized sibling， wearing my intelligence and professional success like a suit of self-righteous14） armor. And right next to me， there was someone else suffering in the same way. We’d both been done a disservice15） by people who think young women can only be one or the other： smart or pretty. This is what you are forever. You can never， ever be the other one.

On that drive home， I realized that her beauty doesn’t make my sister the enemy. It makes her the only person who could possibly understand.

我的妹妹是個金發美女。

她有一頭金色的長發，身體富有曲線。當她走進房間，男士們的表現就好像屋內引爆了一顆炸彈。有一次，我們的媽媽用質問的語氣批評我：“你難道不知道蒂娜·菲只有當她是蒂娜·菲時才漂亮，當她是莉斯·萊蒙時就沒那么漂亮了嗎？為什么你非得把自己變成莉斯·萊蒙的樣子呢？”這可是她的原話。

因為我們倆非常不一樣，所以妹妹的美貌總是被我當成消遣的對象。我會告訴一個剛認識的人，我妹妹是一個高挑的金發美女。當他們不相信我時，我會在Facebook上扒拉出一張她的照片。“這是不是很有趣？”我說，“她看上去像芭比娃娃。”在我經常用來開這個玩笑的那張照片上，她穿著一件綴滿亮片的紫色緊身超短裙，背部弓起，一頭亮麗的長發像瀑布般順著后背傾瀉而下，曬成褐色的皮膚惹人注目，牙齒潔白無瑕。

新朋友的反應幾乎都是一臉驚愕地看著我的手機，然后又抬頭看著我。一個看上去那么漂亮的人怎么可能和一個長成我這樣的人是姐妹呢？

“這解釋了你的全部個性。”我的朋友凱文瀏覽了我妹妹的頭像后一邊把手機遞給我，一邊說道。

從小到大，我總感覺我是那個“不漂亮的姐姐”，于是想當然地以為自己“很丑”，雖然按照傳統標準來看并非如此。但我卻將自己封閉起來，埋頭于書本中。從來沒有人邀請我參加睡衣派對。每當男孩子表示對我有興趣時，我都充耳不聞，認為他們只是在開玩笑或是產生了錯覺。有她在，怎么可能會有人被我吸引呢？

從我倆出生到現在，不管是家里的朋友、陌生人還是任何見過我倆的人，在稱贊我們時說的話幾乎都一模一樣。“你真漂亮！”他們會這么跟她說，然后轉向我說：“你真聰明！”

幾個月前，我們的爺爺去世了，我一年來第一次從紐約回到南佛羅里達的家中。我有些時間沒見到妹妹了。她勉強高中畢業，之后在洛杉磯待了六個月——沒人知道她在那兒做什么，后來爸媽把她叫回家來。與此同時，我讀完了四年大學，畢業后找到了一份寫作的工作。

我和妹妹雖然有諸多不同，但一直相處融洽，而這次葬禮能讓我們在一起待上一段時間。我們倆現在都是“成年人”了，她剛剛開始上塔拉哈西的社區大學。

因為覺得無聊，我倆開車到當地的商場逛了逛。她買了一副雷朋太陽鏡，并說服我買了一支眼部遮瑕筆——要不是她力薦，我決不會把錢花在這東西上。在回家的路上，車里變得很安靜。我謝謝她向我推薦化妝品，她聳了聳肩。

“這是唯一我真正了解的事。”她說。

“當然，”我回答說，“你知道打扮漂亮的所有竅門。”

這話我是不經意說的，但她突然生氣了：“行了，我不像你，我沒有其他可取之處！”

不像我？！我心想。一個長得像她那樣的人會覺得我有什么可取之處呢？？

整個高中時期，她都是學校的社交女王，而我卻被毫不留情地取笑。為什么現在她卻一副覺得自己不如我的樣子？在她高中畢業后迷茫的一年里，我沒有在她身邊，但我意識到這段時間她肯定受到了某種傷害。

你瞧，我意識到一件事：在我聽到別人說“你真聰明，但不漂亮”時，她聽到的是“你真漂亮，但不聰明”。這樣的“稱贊”讓我們倆都深受其害——受害程度一樣，只是方式不同。對她來說，這暗示著她因為長得漂亮，就得頭腦遲鈍；而對我來說，這意味著我因為聰明，就不能同時長得漂亮。成長的過程中，我因嫉妒她而苦惱不已，卻忽略了她也一直在嫉妒我。

在車里，我堅持讓她說明白自己的意思。她坦白說，她覺得自己的愚蠢是不可避免的事實，她去洛杉磯就是為了逃避這個：反正她已經覺得自己不聰明了，被學校拒之門外只會證明她的感覺是對的，那又為什么要專心學業或嘗試去上大學呢？她告訴我，與其嘗試后遭遇失敗，還不如永遠不要嘗試。

與此同時，在東海岸那一端，我難道不是一直在做完全一樣的事情嗎？我職場生涯中的一切事情都證明我很聰明，但我在情感上卻無法與人親近。我無法談一場真正的戀愛，只會整天和我的蘋果筆記本電腦膩在一起。我無法信任朋友。我的邏輯是，雖然我不夠漂亮，沒法讓人愛我，那我又何必去嘗試呢？

這輩子我一直認為自己是姐妹里的那個受害者，我自以為是地將自己的聰明與職業成就當做盔甲穿在身上。而就在我的身邊，另一個人卻在遭受同樣的折磨。我們倆都受到傷害，因為有些人認為年輕女孩只能具備下列其一：要么聰明，要么漂亮。這是你一輩子的烙印。你永遠都不可能成為另一種人。

那次開車回家的路上，我認識到，妹妹的美貌不會使她成為我的敵人，而是使她成為唯一有可能理解我的人。

1.bombshell [?b?m??el] n. 金發美女，性感美女

2.Tina Fey：蒂娜·菲（1970～），美國劇作家、喜劇演員和制片人

3.Liz Lemon：莉斯·萊蒙，是蒂娜·菲在美劇《我為喜劇狂》（30 Rock）里飾演的工作能干卻不太會打扮的熟女。

4.sequin [?si?kw?n] n. 閃光裝飾片

5.slumber party：睡衣派對（指一幫年輕的姑娘穿著睡衣通宵暢談的聚會）

6.delusional [d??lu??（?）n（?）l] adj. 錯覺的，妄想的

7.Ray Ban：雷朋，世界知名的太陽鏡品牌

8.concealer [k?n?si?l?（r）] n. 遮暇產品，遮暇化妝品

9.go for：被認為具有（某種價值或重要性）

10.Queen Bee：社交界女王；女性佼佼者

11.take one’s toll on：對……造成危害（損失）

12.stew [stju?] vi. 處于一種焦急和煩惱的狀態

13.cuddle [?k?d（?）l] vi. 偎依

14.self-righteous：自以為正直的，自以為有道德的

15.disservice [d??s??（r）v?s] n. 損害行為，幫倒忙行為