空巢老爸的悲情自白

2015-04-29 00:00:00阿諾

新東方英語 2015年6期

父愛常常隱忍而內斂，卻也有崩潰決堤的時候。面對與兒子的分別，一位父親放下了所謂的堅強、冷靜和理智，痛痛快快地大哭了一回。什么男子漢形象，什么父親的威嚴，在傷感的時刻都化作一把眼淚，讓人感受到父親的可愛，也更加體會到父愛之深切。

Women aren’t the only ones who feel the loss when the “baby” grows up， goes to college and moves out of the house. Fathers do too. Although it’s a little hard to admit—I am already feeling the empty-nest syndrome， in spite of being sure it would never hit me. This isn’t something my fellow father friends ever discussed or warned me about. I’ve never read about it from a man’s perspective either.

It’s official—the university has been chosen. The time is upon us. Only a few months left. My （our） youngest son is headed out the door for college this coming August， and I’m feeling it big time2）. The days are numbered， and I can’t believe it but I’m having separation anxiety！ Yes me， over six feet tall big strapping3） dad that I am， I have become an emotional mess of a man.

Applications have long-ago been written， edited， rewritten and sent. Financial aid forms （oh that lovely FAFSA4）） and electronic pleas submitted. We’ve toured and heard university sales pitches5） ad nauseam6）. It is the season for parents of high-school seniors to get ready. I wasn’t quite prepared.

I thought I was so cool and experienced by now. We did it before and survived our oldest son’s departure. We missed him a lot， even though he “boomerangs7）” most weekends. Now， our house is about to be totally kid-empty for the first time in 24 years. This time the move-out for college is markedly different.

Yes， I am all about helping our last child get ready and actually go. My wife and I both advised and edited his applications. We attended interviews. School college fairs. Advisory meetings are behind us now. I understand when he wants to go out and party with friends， instead of a quiet relaxing evening with the folks. I think it’s great that he wants to be more and more independent. Yeah， it’s OK that he’d rather spend a Saturday afternoon with a girl instead of hiking with me. I’m over all that. No problems， it’s just Part of Living a Full Life.

For the past three or four years I’ve been preparing for that moment when our son， now 18， liberates us. No more having to provide dinner， or be in town every night so he can get to school every day. We’ve cooked or ordered 6，570 dinners so far for him， and he’s still hungry！ We can now travel， unscheduled！ So say all my other empty-nest fathers. I’ve taken it all in stride and pride—thinking that we’ve done an acceptable job so far， after all he’s still alive， making pretty great grades， and gotten into a very fine university indeed， thank God. Stiff upper lip8）， non-emotional male me； everything is in control. That’s the kind of guy I am： cool and collected. That moment to come， though， has come. Not one of my fellow fathers warned me of the emotional angle of this traumatic moment. It’s nothing I have ever experienced to this dramatic degree ever before.

Last weekend， that “fatherly cool” all came unraveled9）. There I was in a far-off town with our boy， whoops young man—father and son quality time. We’d spent the weekend in early orientation sessions. Hours and hours of information， meeting faculty， schmoosing10） department heads—the presidential handshake and financial aid officer complimenting complete. There we were killing time before the flight home， just me and my man listening to the radio on a distant street watching college students go by， when a certain song came on. “Homeward bound I wish I was ... Homeward

bound ... Home， where my thought’s escaping ... Home， where my music’s playing ... Silently for Me ...” I began to cry uncontrollably. That Paul Simon11） song was one I hadn’t heard in years， and man oh man did it hit me. He’d be gone soon. Such homesickness ... Me， not him so much. I’m not the one leaving home. We won’t have to eat precisely at six anymore and dinners will never be the same. Oh no， will we ever see him again？ He’ll be 30 and I’ll be in my 70’s ... 40， 50， 60 and then what？！ Grandkids？ I’ll sure miss his sweet cherubic12） face ... What a cute baby he was！ What fun to sit him on my knee and watch cartoons—Tex Avery13）’s especially.

All my male fortitude14） and fatherly strength was flooding away， out-of-control， along with my manly rational mind. My strong and stoic15） fatherly image melting in good-bye images. There was nothing I could do to stop the tears. So I decided that strong men cry too. “We’re Human. Men are Emotional. I’m Human. Men cry too—it’s probably healthy. No big deal.” I let it rip16）.

It was a big deal； a very big deal. I cried and cried in a mixture of embarrassment and novelty. There was no logic， no quick-fix manly gate-keeping. Out of my total emotional decompensation17）， I managed to get out only three words amidst the tears： “I love you.”

My boy put his arm around my shoulders， and we looked in each other’s eyes. He was weeping too. Then we began sobbing. Then laughing at the thought and the sight of the two of us， such a weepy mess. I put my arm around his shoulders too， and we just cried and cried some more together， father and son. I will never forget that moment. I don’t think I can ever bear to hear that song again.

He’s going to do so well at college next year. He’ll be busy with classes， and making new friends. I’ll be busy working hard to pay the tuition， and send him money for more dinners， and dates. My wife and I can have a second honeymoon， without kids！ Honestly， though， I will miss him a lot. “That’s OK，” I logically tell myself. “That’s what life is about，” I guess. “That’s what love is about， happiness and sadness all in one，” I tell myself. It’s hard， but it’s sweet too. Ah， truthfully it’s not OK and I’m a manly emotional mess.

I couldn’t wait to leave home and my parents when I was my rebellious 18. I didn’t cry a tear， and they didn’t either. I don’t remember ever hearing those three words as I said goodbye. Now， over 30 years later， I’m so proud of growing up and being a father to my sons. It’s different now， with this generation. There is so much to be happy about， and I love my wife and sons so much I’m about to cry some more， and that’s fine. I’m a fine mess.

當家里的“小寶貝”逐漸長大，去上大學，從家里搬走的時候，不是只有母親才會感到失落。做父親的也會。雖然要承認這一點不太容易—我已經嘗到“空巢綜合征”的滋味了，盡管我曾確信這永遠不會發生在我身上。我那些同樣身為人父的朋友們從來沒有談論過這種事，也沒有警告過我。我也從來沒讀到過有誰從男性的角度寫這種事。

就要正式分別了—大學已經選定。余下的時間不多，只剩幾個月了。這個八月，我（我們）最小的兒子就要離家去上大學了，我對此感受強烈。在一起的日子屈指可數，雖然難以置信，但我正處在離別的焦慮之中！是的，我，這個身高六英尺多的魁梧老爸，已經傷感得一塌糊涂了。

大學申請書早就撰寫、修改、重寫和寄出了，助學金申請表（那份討人喜歡的聯邦學生資助申請）和電子申請書也已經提交了。我們去了不少地方，大學招生的那些宣傳我們都已經聽厭了。這是高中畢業生的家長們應該做好準備的季節，而我還沒有完全準備好。

我原本以為現在的自己已經足夠淡定、足夠有經驗了。我們有過這種經歷，大兒子離家時我們挺過來了。我們當時很想他，盡管大多數周末他都會跑回家來?，F在，我們家里將完全不再有孩子的身影，這是24年來的頭一遭。這次小兒子離家上大學明顯與從前不同。

是的，我一直在幫助我們最小的孩子做好真正離家的準備。我和妻子都對他的申請材料提出過建議，也加以修改。我們參加了面談，也去了學校舉辦的大學招生展會。那些咨詢會如今也已經是過去時了。當小兒子想跟朋友們一起外出聚會，而不是與家人共度一個平靜而放松的夜晚時，我可以理解。他想變得越來越獨立，我覺得很好。沒錯，周六下午他更愿意跟一個女孩待在一起而不是和我一起去遠足，那也沒什么。我已經不為這類事情傷神了。沒問題，這只是孩子過充實生活的一部分。

小兒子今年18歲。為了迎接我們從他那里獲得解放的時刻，過去三四年以來我一直在做準備。無須再給他做飯，也無須為了讓他能每天上學而每晚留在城里。包括外賣在內，我們至今已經為他準備了6570頓晚餐，而他還在喊餓！我們現在可以旅游了，無須事先安排！我認識的其他空巢老爸也都這么說。我從容而自豪地接受了這一切—我想到目前為止，我們當父母還算稱職，畢竟他還活得好好的，成績很不錯，而且還進了一所非常好的大學，謝天謝地。我是個沉著冷靜、情緒穩定的男人，一切盡在掌握之中。我就是這種人：從容不迫，鎮定自若。但是，該來的時刻還是來了。關于這個令人痛苦的時刻，那些做父親的朋友們就沒有一個從情感的角度提醒過我。我還從來沒有經歷過讓人產生如此劇烈反應的事。

上周末，那份“父親的冷靜”徹底瓦解了。我在一座遙遠的城市，跟我們家的小男孩—啊，應該說是小伙子—共度了一段父子間的寶貴時光。此前的周末我們參加了入學前期的新生導覽活動。我們花了好幾個小時聽介紹，和教職人員見面，跟系領導閑聊，還跟校長握了手，奉承了助學金的管理人員。坐飛機回家前，我跟兒子兩個人在離家遙遠的街上一邊聽著收音機，一邊看著大學生來來往往，借此打發時間。這時，收音機里傳來了一首歌：“但愿我是在回家的路上……回家的路上……我的思緒飄往家的方向……我的音樂在家中奏響……無聲地為我奏響……”我無法抑制地哭了起來。保羅·西蒙的這首歌我好多年都沒有聽過了，天哪天哪，他真是唱到我的心坎里去了。兒子就快離開了。這樣的思鄉之情……是我，他不怎么想家。即將離家的人不是我。我們再也不用六點準時開飯了，晚飯也再不會與從前一樣了。哦，不，我們還能再見到他嗎？他將會長到30歲，那時我就70多歲了……到他40歲，50歲，60歲，之后呢？！就有孫輩了？我肯定會想念他那可愛的胖乎乎的臉蛋兒……他曾經是個多么可愛的小寶寶啊！把他抱在膝上一起看卡通片——特別是特克斯·艾弗里的作品—是多么開心啊。

我作為男性的剛毅和父親的堅強，連同男性的理性思維，全都被淚水沖走，全部失控了。我那堅強、克制的父親形象融化在了告別的畫面中。我無法止住淚水，于是我斷定堅強的男人也會哭?！拔覀兌际侨耍腥硕紩痈星?，我也是凡人。男人也會哭—哭一哭大概有益于健康。沒什么大不了的?！蔽胰斡裳蹨I盡情地流淌。

這是件大事，非常大的事。我哭個不停，既感到難為情，又有種新奇的感覺。沒有道理可講，也沒有保持男子漢形象的應急之策。完全處于情緒代償失調中的我流著淚，只勉強說出三個字：“我愛你?！?/p>

兒子伸手摟住我的肩膀，我們四目相對。他也在哭。后來，我們開始抽噎。再后來，看著彼此哭得如此狼狽的樣子，想想這個場景，我們又笑了起來。我也伸手摟住他的肩膀，父子倆又一起哭了一陣。我永遠也忘不了那一刻。我想我再也聽不得那首歌了。

明年，他會在大學里過得很好。他將忙著上課，忙著結交新朋友。我則會忙著努力工作來支付他的學費，給他寄錢，供他吃更多頓飯，供他約會。我和妻子可以再度一次蜜月，沒有孩子拖累！不過，說實話，我會非常想他的?！斑@沒什么。”我理性地告訴自己?！吧罹褪沁@樣?！蔽蚁搿！皭劬褪沁@樣，悲欣交集。”我對自己說。離別不易，但同樣也很甜蜜。啊，說實話，這一點也不好受，我是個感傷得一塌糊涂的大男人。

當我還是個18歲的叛逆少年時，我迫不及待地想離開家，離開父母。我當時一滴淚也沒流，他們也一樣。我不記得曾在道別時聽到他們說那三個字。如今，30多年過去了，我終于長大成人，并做了孩子們的父親，對此我感到非常自豪。如今這一代人的情況不一樣了。有太多讓人高興的事了，而我如此愛我的妻兒，我還會再哭幾次。這也沒什么。我的心情真是一團糟。

1.post-partum [?p??s（t）?pɑ?（r）t?m] adj. [醫]產后的

2.big time：極其，非常，在很大程度上

3.strapping [?str?p??] adj. 魁梧的；高大強壯的

4.FAFSA：聯邦學生資助申請，是The Free Application for Federal Student Aid的縮寫。

5.sales pitch：推銷辭令

6.ad nauseam：令人作嘔地，令人厭惡地，到了令人作嘔的程度

7.boomerang [?bu?m??r??] vi. （如同回飛鏢般）扔出后飛回原處

8.stiff upper lip：沉著鎮定；感情不外露

9.unravel [?n?r?v（?）l] vt. 解開；拆散

10.schmoose [?mu?z] vt.〈美俚〉與……閑談，閑扯

11.Paul Simon：保羅·西蒙（1941～），美國歌手、演員，曾與歌手阿特·加芬克爾（Art Garfunkel， 1941～）組成Simon Garfunkel組合，代表作為歌曲“The Sound of Silence”。

12.cherubic [t???ru?b?k] adj. 小天使般的；胖乎乎的