留學文書寫作中存在的通病（2）

筆者在上期和本期總結了中國申請者在留學文書中經常出現的寫作問題。這些問題基本可以分為兩大類：語法錯誤和常識性錯誤。這兩類錯誤往往會同時出現。例如，有一位高中生在留學文書里寫他到美國參加夏令營的經歷：“While in California，I enjoyed talking to American students and teachers，I madesome friends，After the trip，I have realized that my oralEnglish was not very good，so I have started to study Englishliterature very hard，”首先，按常理來說，申請者在加州跟美國人互動時就會意識到自己的英文口語能力差，而不是回國以后，所以after the trip應改成during the tip。其次，參加夏令營是過去發生的事情，主句的謂語動詞“意識到”（realize）也是發生在過去的一個時間點，所以不能用現在完成時I have realized，后面也不應該用I havestarted，而應該用過去時I realized和I started，這是語法錯誤。最后，雖然研讀英語文學作品的確可以學習到一些單詞、句型或修辭手法，但這和提高英語口語能力之間的關系比較勉強，依然不符常理。在中國申請者寫的留學文書中，兩種錯誤兼而有之的情況特別普遍。在本文中，我們繼續總結通病，“治病救人”。

口語和書面語

留學文書應該采用比較正規的書面語，而不應用口語化的表達。

例1：Patience and carefulness，that's what I got fromthe experiments；that's the two most valuable qualities of abiology student and a biologist.

評析：首先，書面語中不應出現that’s、I’m、we’re、it’s等縮略語形式，應改為that is、I am、weare、it is。此外，got也是一個口語化的詞匯，其對應的書面語表達應是received或learned。其次，patience andcarefulness是復數，其后的代詞應為these，而非that。

修改后：Patience and carefulness，these are what Ipicked up from the experiments；these are the two mostvaluable qualities ofabiology student and afuturebiologist.

評析：原文中口語化的got改為比較精確的pickedup，意指“體會到，學到，培養起來”。

例2：I am gonna summarize the results of myexperiment next，You won't believe how surprised I wasmyself when the results came out.

評析：本句中的gonna和won't都太過口語化，不適合用在比較正式的書面寫作中。另外，前后兩句從第一人稱敘事突然變成了第二人稱敘事，顯得很突兀，而且筆者已經多次告誡申請者不要在留學文書中用第二人稱。最后，陳述實驗結果的口吻應比較嚴肅，不帶感情色彩。“你們想不到我看到結果有多驚訝”與嚴謹的學術氛圍不符合。

修改后：I summarizethe results ofmy experiment asfollows，The surprise elements are highlighted in the lasttwo bullet points.

評析：修改后的句子用了典型的書面語，把主觀色彩較濃的how surprised I was改為更為客觀的the surpriseelements。

例3：My fellow countrymen don't have access toprofessional knowledge of trading and risk mamagement guidancewhich can resuk in their stupid pure betting on the market.

評析：本句中的don't應改為do not。這句話最大的錯誤是用了單詞stupid（愚蠢的），該詞貶義色彩很濃，有罵人之嫌，在書面語中一定要慎用。即便是在口語環境下，用這個詞的時候也要看場合，盡量不要用于他人，更不能用于整個民族或國家，可以用于自責，比如“I did something stupid yesterday”。

修改后：My fellow countrymen have inadequate accessto professional trading and risk management guidance whichcan result in their haphazard betting patterns on the market.

評析：作者的原意其實是想說國人因缺乏交易和風險管理指導，有時會做出隨意的、沒有計劃和章法的投資或投機舉動，haphazard的意思就是“無計劃的，雜亂無章的”。

松散句和粘連句

松散句（rambling sentence）是指長度過長且包含過多獨立分句的英語句子。這種句子會使讀者產生一種喘不過氣的感覺。一般來說，我們寫一句話只需陳述一個觀點或者表達一個意思，當然也可以是一組關系密切的觀點，但是要注意停頓。粘連句（run-on sentence）是指用逗號連接數個獨立的分句，甚至不用任何標點就將幾個獨立分句連在一起，比如這句話：“While in class，I listen carefully to the teacher I take a lot of notes.”松散句和粘連句的區別在于：松散句沒有語法問題，只是連詞過多，句子太長，像在報流水賬，綿綿不絕；粘連句則存在語法錯誤，必須用句號或分號把前后兩個簡單句分開。要避免粘連句的出現，當一個句子過長時，就要考慮是否可以斷句。斷句通常有兩種手段：①避免過多使用并列連詞（如and、but、or等）；②不要把兩句或更多互相獨立、“各自為政”的句子連在一起。下面我們通過例句來具體分析如何避免寫松散句和粘連句。

例1：The Yangtze River is one of the longest riversjn the world，and in the springtime it occasionally burstsits banks，and many people are endangered，I used to livein a village on the bank of the river，The village had apopulation of seven thousand，and a typhoon struck it oneyear，and it was practically demolished.

評析：這一小段中一共出現了四個and，而and恰恰是松散句最明顯的標志之一，這在口語中問題不算太大，但書面語中盡量不要出現這種情況。對此常見的解決方法是在，dnd處斷句，或使用獨立結構。

修改后：The Yangtze River，one of the longestrivers in the world，occasionally endangers manypeople during the springtime by bursting its banks，I used to live in a village on the bank of the Yangtze，The village，with its seven thousand people，wasstruck by a typhoon one spring and was practicallydemolished.

評析：通過使用同位語、介詞結構及斷句等手段，我們成功消滅了原文中的四個and。另外，我們還對原句進行了內容重組，先說長江，再說在長江沿岸的村莊，條理更為清晰。

例2：I had always wanted to go to college，and I hadalways wished to become an engineer，and so I enrolled atDalian University of Science and Technology.

評析：原句由三個分句構成，前兩個分句是原因，第三個分句是結果。其中I had always wanted to和I hadalways wished to意思重疊，可以進行合并。第三個分句前已經有了連接詞so，因此前面的and純屬多余。

修改后：①Because I had always wamed to entercollege and prepare myself to become an engineer，Ienrolled at Dalian University of Science and Technology.

②I enrolled at Dalian University of Science andTechnology to achieve my double purpose of attendingcollege and becoming an engineer.

評析：兩種修改方案中的第一種用because引導原因狀語從句，第二種用不定式表目的。

例3：Near the center of the campus of our universitya new building has been erected it is constructed of redbrick.

評析：句中逗號前后是兩個主謂結構齊全的句子，但沒有用任何連詞連接，這是典型的粘連句。

修改后：①A red-brick building has been erectednearthe center of our university campus.

②Near the center of our university campus is abrand new red-brick building.

評析：把句子“it is constructed of red brick”簡化成形容詞red-brick，從而使原句中的兩個簡單句合二為一，使表達更加簡潔。

常識性錯誤

有的申請者把美國的國會山Capitol Hill誤寫為Capital Hill，或誤以為Capitol Hill是指美國首都。還有一些申請者不知道University of Washington和WashingtonUniversity是兩所不同的學校，也不知道這兩所學校根本不在華盛頓特區。這些都是申請文書中比較明顯的常識性錯誤，有些常識性錯誤未必顯而易見，但危害性都很大。

例1：My favorite newspaper is Times，It gives me adifferent perspective of international issues.

評析：現在很多年輕人不花錢買報紙看，都是在手機上瀏覽新聞。而一個中國申請者說自己最喜歡看一份國外的報紙，同時又填上一個不存在的報紙名，可想而知，其可信度就蕩然無存了。筆者建議申請者明確講是瀏覽該報紙的網站，并附上網址。Times這個名稱有誤，是一個常識性錯誤：在美國，沒有報紙叫Times，只有本雜志的名稱是Time；在英國，有著名的報紙TheTimes，申請者即使指的是英國這份報紙，前面的定冠詞The也是萬萬不能省略的。

修改后：I do not use print media for news anymore，My source of information comes mostly from the digitaledition of Time magazine（time.com），It gives me newperspectives on major international issues that are quitedilIerent trom those of the Chinese media.

例2：The undergraduate courses I completed includeEngineering Electromagnetics，Integrated Electronics，andPower Systems and Conversion，They enabled me to buildup a solid background in mathematics and physics.

評析：這句話中的邏輯關系是錯的。按常理來說，數學（mathematics）和物理（physics）是基礎，在此基礎之上才能順利學習工程電磁學（EngineeringElectromagnetics）、集成電子（Integrated Electronics）和電力及電力轉換系統（Power Systems and Conversion）。

修改后：My solid background in mathematics andphysics enabled me to successfully complete university-level courses in Engineering Electromagnetics，IntegratedElectronics，and Power Systems and Conversion.

評析：修改后的句子把原句中的邏輯關系倒了過來，這才符合常理。

例3：As part of my academic program at FudanUniversity，I was put in charge of a piece of researchon the quantitative investment strategy at an investmentbank，In the process of the internship，I realized that thederivatives department brought little profit to the bank，What they were doing was just analyzing investmentstrategies which were not related to interest arbitrageor hedging. My research paper says the reason was thatthe government was manipulating the market， so thatdomestic financial institutions were not able to participatein international market activities such as buying futures，stock options and swaps， or hedging. In my opinion， theregulator should make reasonable and strict rules whichwould allow financial institutions to do business undertheir own supervision. Moreover， extending the derivativesmarket is very necessary to establish an internationalfinancial center. Take the downfall of the InternationalFinancial Center of Tokyo， Japan for example： The lackof a variety of financial derivatives caused weak marketliquidity and high operational costs so that many Japanesecompanies sought public listings abroad. I think Chinashould be cautious about this issue.

評析：本段的主要內容是申請者去一家國內投資銀行做一項研究，發現衍生產品市場部并不做交易，不盈利，原因是國家不允許或限制國內投資銀行參與國際交易。而申請者的觀點是政府應該盡量松綁，要不然中國會像日本東京金融中心一樣因缺乏金融衍生品交易而崩盤。但是文中存在以下三個問題。

①常識性錯誤。在美國，寫學術論文或總結論文觀點時，都有很嚴格的寫作規范，不允許摻入帶有個人情感或偏見的觀點或不加科學論證的言論，也不允許出現模棱兩可的語句，所以在留學文書中總結論文觀點時也不例外。一般的論文格式如下：首先，提出一個假設，或者引用他人的學術觀點；然后，通過數據收集和分析（定性或定量）推翻或證實之前的假設，當然也可以既不推翻又不證實；最后，給出結論或政策方面的建議。論文必須以事實為依據，態度要客觀、中立，語言要精確、規范。所以，in my opinion和I think/guess之類的詞語是絕對不可以出現的。這一點申請去美國讀大學的申請者要特別注意。

②邏輯混亂。在前半段，申請者一直在談論自己的研究內容，后面突然“殺出”一個in my opinion，這個短語表示申請者已經闡述完研究內容，轉而表達自己事后的想法或觀點。而實際上申請者還是在談論研究內容，包括段末有關東京的例子其實仍然是申請者研究內容的一部分。談到東京的例子時，申請者又寫了一個I think。讀者會搞不清申請者是一直在總結研究報告內容還是跳出了報告內容說別的。對于這種“跳來跳去”的邏輯，英美讀者會很不習慣。

③文字模糊。在本段開頭部分，申請者說自己以負責人身份到投資銀行做研究（I was put in charge of apiece of research），似乎不是獨自行動，可后面又說是實習（internship），而research和internship完全是兩碼事。大家要注意不應在文字上模棱兩可。

修改后：As part of my academic program atFudan University， I conducted a research program ata Shanghai-based investment bank. In the process ofthe research， I investigated a derivatives departmentand I found that the entire department was engaged inneither interest arbitrage nor hedging， as derivativesdepartments normally do， but only some analyticalwork on investment strategies. It was not a profit-making entity at all. I found it ironic that the staffwithin the department， without exception， had no hands-on experience in buying futures， in stock options orin hedging. My research paper pointed to Chinesegovernment restriction on the participation of domesticfinancial institutions in international market activitiesas the major reason for the sorry state of my researchsubject. In my paper I made a strong case in favor ofregulatory relaxation so as to allow financial institutionsto do business overseas while ensuring there aresupervision mechanisms including self-supervisionmechanisms. I supported my argument by citingthe downfall of the International Financial Centerof Tokyo， Japan to illustrate that lack of variety offinancial derivatives caused weak market liquidity andhigh operational costs so that many Japanese companiessought public listings abroad. This vicious circle causedthe overwhelming outflow of Japanese money. Given thesimilarities between the Chinese securities market andthat of Japan， I concluded that the danger for China torepeat the same mistake was very real.

評析：修改后的文章通過運用加粗的單詞避免了表達主觀和模棱兩可的問題。請大家認真研讀這些加粗的單詞。